Baby's First Christmas

Poppy Love

Rumble'n the Holidays 2023

Dodger and I spent the weekend in Springfield, jammin' to some tunes. Unfortunately, we were both sick with rhinovirus (common head cold) and didn't get to enjoy it as much as we would have if we had not been sick.

Here are a few videos I took...

Foosball with Poppy

 

November Cats

Grandpa Stan's Birthday Party

We had a nice fire and games to celebrate grandpa's birthday 🎂 

A Wedding & Jerry Garcia

Yesterday, my best friend, Sarah, got married to the love of her life, Brad. They both shared their testimony at the reception. She prayed and cried and delighted in her faith in God for 22 years. And yesterday she became one with her God-ordained husband.

This morning, we had church. God's moving in awesome ways in our church right now. I have no doubt that God's the reason that my old church was one of the first to pop up when I Googled churches in my area just a few months ago. Just last year, they were at about 14 people attending weekly and thinking they should sell the building, to now on the cusps of significant growth. I'm very excited for what's coming and grateful to be back. It feels like home.

Dodger with our 1st grandbaby, X.

We stopped at the Lowe Reunion for about an hour before heading over to a free music festival in our state capital. Sunshine Daydream, my favorite local band, is headlining.

Also seen, Colin Helton Band...

and Silverweed...

Also seen, a yoga teacher in the making...

The stick guy (who was also at the Rumbledown Festival)...

And a bubble guy...

Here's Sunshine Daydream (w/o Olivia today)...

Breaking Benjamin & Disturbed

Dodger and I drove to Indiana today to see Disturbed at the Ruoff Amphitheater. Breaking Benjamin opened for them.

Here are a few of the videos I took...

Rumours {a Fleetwood Mac band}

Dodgers and I went down to the Devon this evening to see Rumours, a Fleetwood Mac tribute band. Fleetwood Mac is one of my favorite bands of all time. It was good music and the weather was great.

Stayin' Alive {a Bee Gees band}

Dodger and I went down to The Devon this evening to see Stayin' Alive, a Bee Gees tribute band. It was awesome. I loved every minute of it. I LOVE the Bee Gees!

Just Covering Up

I made some chair bags out of old jeans and straps off a backpack.

Puddle of Mudd

Dodger and I went down to The Devon this evening to see Puddle of Mudd, one of our much loved grunge bands from the 90s.

Truly Taking the Third Step

 "Once we compulsive eaters truly take the Third Step, we cannot fail to recover." - The 12x12 of OA, p. 27

What does it mean to truly take the Third Step? The Third Step prayer says this...

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, They Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

In BBA, once we get through steps 6 & 7, we come to understand and make the choice that God is either everything or he is nothing. There is no in-between. I either let God run the show or my life is a complete mess. I am learning how to trust God with everything in my life. It's not always easy to do that. I've had many years of my life where I didn't even believe in God. The thing is, I want to be free of my compulsions which include not only compulsive eating but many other things, too, some of which have been with me since childhood. When I get a little frustration rising, I don't want it to take hours to get over it. Emotionally, I've not be sober either. So, God, with a little patience from you and continuous reminders to turn towards you (thank you Gottman training) and not away, I believe I will become more trustful of your presence in my life and will let you lead. I'm not blind to the parallel of learning to social dance with my husband and letting him lead when I'm not able to see behind me. The more I let him lead, the more I trust that he won't run me into anything and won't let me fall. It's taken practice and a willingness to let go of control. God, I'm letting you lead today, and please gently remind me of when I try to take back control.

Everclear

Dodger and I went down to The Devon this evening to watch one of our favorite grungy

bands from the 90s. It was so much fun being able to see them in concert.

I ended up buying him a T-shirt online (the one pictured above) for the band

because he didn't like any of the ones for sale at the venue.

Rodeo in the Grandstand

Dodger and I went to the rodeo this evening.

Asking for Transformation

 "I must keep my feet on the ground... taking care of business." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

How funny that the writer of this story used those words about keeping their feet on the ground. When I work with my sponsor and we do deep work on my inner stuff, framing it all up in the 12 Steps, she always asks me where my feet are, and if they're not fully flat on the ground, she has me put them there. As I think about grounding through my feet, God's guidance is not lost on me that having me feet on the ground is also metaphorically and physically how I can "take care of business" by putting one foot in front of the other and taking action on the next steps that God puts in front of me. I don't have to concern myself with the unanswered and unanswerable questions, right action will reveal the next steps and ultimately lead to right outcomes, because God's outcomes are always right outcomes. I am reminded today to stop fighting against God and let God lead fully, taking only the next needed step in front of me. Thank you God for the peace you bring into my life as I follow your way along the path. You always clear the way, one step at a time.

The Gratitude Path

 "...the antidote to negative thinking is gratitude." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

As I read that, it seems so easy. Just be grateful. Doesn't that seem so difficult sometimes when stuck in negative thinking? I've even had times in my life where it was difficult for me to find anything to be grateful for. Yet, as I look back on it all now, I'm overwhelmingly grateful for the paths I've been down in my life...some were very rough and painful, while others have been smooth and easy...yet, I'm able to find the purpose and beauty in all of those paths now. I'm so grateful that God never gave up on me, like I gave up on him. "You chased down my heart through all of my failure and pride." God, I am humbled by Your never failing pursuit of my heart.

Confidence in God

"I am confident that God will fulfill my needs. Some days I have the "I wants," and I pray and meditate on it." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

I have many "I wants," and today it is to have a good time with family for Easter dinner. Family is always tough for me...lots of triggers and past hurts involved in every conversation. Today, I am confident that God will fulfill my need to stay abstinent, both in food and in emotional sobriety. I am confident in my relationship with God today, and I know God is in everything...every situation...and has not abandoned me. God knows me, through and through, and today I am open and leaning into Him as the day progresses and listening for the still small voice of reason and love. The beautiful thing about prayer is that no one else has to know I'm doing it in the moment, and I can act within the boundaries I have in place in my life around food and around behaviors. I am in such appreciation that I have God in my life today, running things and giving me life, instead of feeling constantly alone and running my life into the ground.

Talking to HP

"As long as I keep talking to my HP in whatever manner and with as much faith as possible, asking only for the strength to do his will for me, one day at a time I will hear him."

During my 12 step work this week, I read something that made me chuckle and spoke volumes... "I don't have to figure God out." I have a part inside me that says, "but...I have to know what God is and how this works." In all honesty, do I really have to in order for this all to work? If I look at the evidence of my own healing in this program or recovery and if I keep reaching out to others sharing my experience, strength, and hope, and hearing theirs in return, I have all the evidence that I need to see that this works...without the elusiveness of knowing what God is and the why of how this all works. What exactly am I asking for as evidence when it's right there in front of me? Isn't what I've already experienced evidence enough to move forward with faith that ie will continue to work as long as I continue to work it? I don't have to continue to be so obstinate about God. I need the reminder often that I don't have to figure God out. The work brings me into a relationship with God and myself. In that work in healing my spiritual malady, the rest will sort itself out. That is a promise that is continuously fulfilled in this program. 

Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually

"Where am I physically, emotionally, and spiritually?"

God, I missed some times with you this week. I know I let the busyness of my days keep me from talking with you. I know you are patient with me, far more than I ever am with myself. I just want to say that noticing my disconnect, and the extra struggle that abring me, was important for me. I'm so used to doing it alone...this life thing...and meeting with you daily is new to me. I know how important it is to my ongoing recovery and overall well being. I find myself much more irritable and discontent when I'm not spending time with you, listening to your guidance and resting in your peace. I love the mental image of resting my head on your shoulder and just relaxing into you. When I do that, I breathe deeper and just let go of everything weighing on me. I know this is the one place I can truly just be me, and I need that daily. I am making a commitment to you and to myself to show up and meet with you daily. I know you're able to make space for me in my days. Help me to be mindful of my time and energy, pacing myself, and turning to you throughout the day for guidance and rest. Left to my own devices, I will burn out and create chaos in my life, resulting in messes to clean up. I know you'd much rather have me live in a way that brings your ways of peace and love to others and to myself. I am grateful for your patience and grace. I know when I get right spiritually, the physical and emotional get right automatically. Thank you, God, for this reminder today.

If Only

How has my life been filled with "if only's?"

I chuckled a bit about the lengthy list of "if only's" in the reading (Step One -- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous), as I recognize myself in them. I often thought, if only people in my life would love me how I wanted to be loved, I would be able to love myself. If only others would act this way or that, I wouldn't be so angry all the time. If only food didn't make me fat, I could eat whatever I wanted and be happy. If God were sharing about me, I know He would say, 'the selfishness is strong in this one.' And that would be the God's honest truth. I wanted the world--everyone and everything in it --to be the way I wanted it so that I could live without all the drama I created for myself. Everything was always about  me. Truthfully, I still manage to find ways that I'm trying to control things around me, and thankfully I have some God-led awareness and people in my life that gently and compassionately remind me that I'm not in control, and I gratefully have a program that teaches me to prayerfully seek God's help in removing my shortcomings--which includes wanting to control and run my life on self-will instead of God's will. Old addictive ways creep up in a myriad of ways as I do the daily work in this program of recovery, and I find the struggle to lead to blessings and joy as I lean into my developing relationship with God. I am a grateful compulsive overeater, as this disease has opened up my world in ways I never expected and never thought possible.

Growing Spiritually

"I cannot grow spiritually by myself. A seed had to be planted in my heart, and for that seed to grow, it had to be nourished daily with prayer, devotion, and meditation. If I feed myself every day, I will grow spiritually just like the flower. In time, I will blossom into a beautiful, soft, colorful person." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

It took me time to realize this point...that in order for me to continue to grow in the program of recovery, I had to grow spiritually, and I couldn't do this by myself. I needed God's help. I was afraid of trusting God to help me. I wanted to do it on my own, at least then, if I failed it would be on me, and I could only be angry at myself. I tried every which way grow spiritually without God. I thought I could think myself into spiritual growth...that maybe the more I knew about myself, the more growth I would attain. I spent a full two years in this program trying to do spiritual growth my way. A few months ago, I stopped running from God and finally gave in and leaned into this work with God. God has been chasing me down for years, and I've been running away...and, when I think about it, this is what I've always wanted...to know and believe that I'm worth the chase. I was just so angry about everything, I wasn't yet ready to give up that anger and give up wanting everyone, including myself, to suffer for not being able to fill up that deep dark pit inside me. I knew what I wanted, I just had a misguided understanding of where to find the thing that would fill me up. So, I tried to fill it with food. Now, I understand what I was looking for was in building a relationship with God. I'm finally learning that I can trust God, and I'm excited to experience what God has for me--what growth I can experience next through each struggle and the joy I can find in this connection with God, which includes what He brings to me through my fellows. Thank you, God, for never giving up on me.

What is Meditation?

Excerpt from Spiritual Direction and Meditation by Thomas Merton, transcribed here for posterity and usefulness.

To meditate is to exercise the mind in serious reflection. This is the broadest possible sense of the word "meditation." The term in this sense is not confined to religious reflections, but it implies serious mental activity and a certain absorption or concentration which does not permit our faculties to wander off at random or to remain slack and undirected.

From the very start it must be made clear, however, that reflection here does not refer to a purely intellectual activity, and still less does it refer to mere reasoning. Reflection involves not only the mind but also the heart, and indeed our whole being. One who really meditates does not merely think, he also loves, and by his love--or at least by his sympathetic intuition into the reality upon which he reflects--he enters into that reality and knows it so to speak from within, but a kind of identification.

St. Thomas and St. Bernard of Clairvaux describe meditation as "the quest for truth." Nevertheless their "meditation" is something quite distinct from study, which is also a "quest for truth." Meditation and study can, of course, be closely related. In fact, study is not spiritually fruitful unless it leads to some kind of meditation. By study we seek the truth in books or in some other source outside our own minds. In meditation we strive to absorb what we have already taken in. We consider the principles we have learned and we apply them to our own lives. Instead of simply storing up facts and ideas in our memory, we strive to do some original thinking of our own.

In study we can be content with an idea or a concept that is true. We can be content to know about truth. Meditation is for those who are not satisfied with a merely objective and conceptual knowledge about life, about God--about ultimate realities. They want to enter into an intimate contact with truth itself, with God. They want to experience the deepest realities of life by living them. Meditation is the means to that end.

And so, although the definition of meditation as a quest for truth brings out the fact that meditation is above all a function of the intelligence, nevertheless it implies something more. St. Thomas and St. Bernard were speaking of a kind of meditation which is fundamentally religious, or at least philosophical, and which aims at bringing our whole being into communication with an ultimate reality beyond and above ourselves. This unitive and loving knowledge begins in meditation but it reaches its full development only in contemplative prayer.

This idea is very important. Strictly speaking, even religious meditation is primarily a matter of thought. But it does not end in thought. Meditative thought is simply the beginning of a process which leads to interior prayer and is normally supposed to culminate in contemplation and in affective communion with God. We can call this whole process (in which meditation leads to contemplation) by the name mental prayer. In actual practice, the word "meditation" is quite often used as if it meant exactly the same thing as "mental prayer." But if we look at the precise meaning of the word, we find that meditation is only a small part of the whole complex of interior activities which go to make up mental prayer. Meditation is the name given to the earlier part of the process, the part in which our heart and mind exercise themselves in a series of interior activities which prepare us for union with God.

When thought is without affective intention, when it begins and ends in the intelligence, it does not lead to prayer, to love or to communion. Therefore it does not fall into the proper pattern of mental prayer. Such thought is not really meditation. It is outside the sphere of religion and of prayer. It is therefore excluded from our consideration here. It has nothing to do with our subject. We need only remark that a person would be wasting his time if he thought reasoning alone could satisfy the need of his soul for spiritual meditation. Meditation is not merely a matter of "thinking things out," even if that leads to a good ethical resolution. Meditation is more than mere practical thinking.

The distinctive characteristic of religious meditation is that it is a search for truth which springs from love and which seeks to possess the truth not only by knowledge but also by love. It is, therefore, an intellectual activity which is inseparable from an intense consecration of spirit and application of the will. The presence of love in our meditation intensifies and clarifies our thought by giving it a deeply affective quality. Our meditation becomes charged with a loving appreciation of the value hidden in the supreme truth which the intelligence is seeking. This affective drive of the will, seeking the truth as the soul's highest good, raises the soul above the level of speculation and makes our quest for truth a prayer full of reverential love and adoration striving to pierce the dark cloud which stands between us and the throne of God. We beat against this cloud with supplication, we lament our poverty, our helplessness, we adore the mercy of God and His supreme perfections, we dedicate ourselves entirely to His worship.

Mental prayer is therefore something like a skyrocket. Kindled by a spark of divine love, the soul streaks heavenward in an act of intelligence as clear and direct as the rocket's trail of fire. Grace has released all the deepest energies of our spirit and assists us to climb to new and unsuspected heights. Nevertheless, our own faculties soon reach their limit. The intelligence can climb no higher into the sky. There is a point where the mind bows down its fiery trajectory as if to acknowledge its limitations and proclaim the infinite supremacy of the unattainable God.

But it is here that our "meditation" reaches its climax. Love again takes the initiative and the rocket "explodes" in a burst of sacrificial praise. Thus love flings out a hundred burning stars, acts of all kinds, expressing everything that is best in man's spirit, and the soul spends itself in drifting fires that glorify the Name of God while they fall earthward and die away in the night wind!

That is why St. Albert the Great, the master who gave St. Thomas Aquinas his theological formation at Paris and Cologne, contrasts the contemplation of the philosopher and the contemplation of the saints: 

The contemplation of philosophers seeks nothing but the perfection of the one contemplating and it goes no further than the intellect. But the contemplation of the saints is fired by the love of the one contemplated: that is, God. Therefore it does not terminate in an act of the intelligence but passes over into the will by love.

St. Thomas Aquinas, his disciple, remarks tersely that for this very reason the contemplative's knowledge of God is arrived at, on this earth, by the light of burning love:

The contemplation of "philosophers," which is merely intellectual speculation on the divine nature as it is reflected in creatures, would be therefore like a skyrocket that soared into the sky but never went off. The beauty of the rocket is in its "death," and the beauty of mental prayer and of mystical contemplation is in the soul's abandonment and total surrender of itself in an outburst of praise in which it spends itself entirely to bear witness to the transcendent goodness of the infinite God. The rest is silence.

Let us never forget that the fruitful silence in which words lose their power and concepts escape our grasp is perhaps the perfection of meditation. We need not fear and become restless when we are no longer able to "make acts." Rather we should rejoice and rest in the luminous darkness of faith. This "resting" is a higher way of prayer.

Pray About It

"God was not there to prevent me from feeling pain but to help me face it..." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

God, I haven't felt welcome there. I've been coming for more than six weeks now, and some still don't even know my name, many haven't reached out to me. Is this really where I'm supposed to be? Is this my home group?

Dear Child, Yes. This this where you're supposed to be. Don't run away. Lean in. I hear that small one inside saying, "it's not fair; they should want me," and I'm asking you to take some steps out in faith and reach out to others in your group. Many are struggling right now. I'd like you to be of service. Freely give what you've been given freely. Share my love and acceptance to others in your group. They need you as much as you need them. I will give you the strength and the words to know what to say. I'm here with you. You are not alone. Your loving Father, God.

My Step-Three Prayer Today

"I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God."

My God, help me to release the frustration I feel when someone talks over me, as you know how triggered I get about that due to my past. Through you, I know that my voice matters. I am letting myself feel the frustration, acknowledging its presence and the pain that comes with it, telling myself the truth--this person did not mean to do this or hurt me through their actions--and I'm giving this over to you. My Higher Self is patient, kind, and full of grace, and I will lean into that now as I let this go and go on with my day happy, joyous, and free. "Hello, little one, I feel you down there in my belly, crying that your voice wasn't heard. I hear you. I acknowledge you. You matter. You are not alone. Let's accept God's peace and love in this instance, and go play, okay." I give this to you, God, and accept the comfort and care that doing so gives me.

God's Way to My Daily Meditation and Prayer

The the past few weeks, as I've been watching and listening for God's orderly direction, both Thomas Merton and two-way prayer have come into view. Also, I keep being reminded of scheduling time with God for prayer and meditation. 

I found Merton through Anne Lamott (who said something about Richard Rohr, who said something about Thomas Merton). I remember reading a book by her ages ago, where she talks about how God kept nipping at her feet, and she finally decided to stop running away from him. Remembrance of that story came to me over the past weeks as I very much relate to how she came to God and how I came back to God. So, once I actually remembered her name, I went looking for more info on her online, and read that she is actively in recovery work herself--she mentioned Richard Rohr significantly meaningful to her recovery. It was through beginning to listen to his book, Breathing Under Water, that I found Thomas Merton, who he mentions near the beginning of the book. 

Then, last Sunday, a  newcomer to the noon BBA emotional sobriety meeting mentioned she'd been listening to Mark H, who mentioned BBA, which is how she found her way to the meeting that day. So, I went searching on YouTube for Mark H, and began listening to his tapes. In the second one I listened to last week, he mentions Thomas Merton. So, in the span of two weeks, Thomas Merton was brought into my view.

Last Saturday, during my weekly time with my BBA step partner, she mentioned two-way prayer as something her sponsor turned her onto, and she was finding it useful. Last Sunday, during my weekly OA meeting, one fellow mentioned two-way prayer during their share. So, in the span of two days, two-way prayer was brought into my view.

Today's OA reading in Seeking the Spiritual Path was about prayer and meditation, of which comes the following, "The discipline of regular prayer and meditation is vital for my daily health." I expanded on why that spoke to me in the previous entry.

"The thing is to rely on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pay for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done." —C.S. Lewis

So, instead of letting another day go by without taking steps towards what is obvious to me as GOD (good orderly direction), I went to my Hoopla app, and found a Merton book available on spiritual direction and meditation, and to the two-way prayer website to get guidance on that, as I begin to spend the time to put daily time with God into practice.

"Discipline is most important, and without it no serious meditation will ever be possible. But it should be one's own discipline, not a routine mechanically imposed from the outside." - Thomas Merton, Spiritual Direction and Meditation

I have my Monday, early morning weekly Bible study fellowship with my BFS Online group. Tomorrow will be my third week. I love it so much already. We've been studying the book of Isaiah, and God's patience, grace, and steadfastness. I have my Sunday morning weekly call with my OA sponsor, weekly OA meeting, and weekly BBA emotional sobriety meeting. I have my Saturday morning weekly call with my BBA step sponsor and my Monday night weekly BBA workshop. Additionally, on most Tuesday evenings after work, I go to my local domestic violence shelter for the support group (that's a story for another time).

So, I have actively built into my life, space for recovery and fellowship work; just nothing for God on a daily basis. I know I'm being called to change that."Spending time with God is the key to our strength and success in all areas of life. Be sure that you never try to work God into your schedule, but always work your schedule around Him." —Joyce Meyer

So, since I'm already getting up early on Monday mornings, continuing that same schedule on a daily basis seems the most logical and led space to hold that vitally important morning meeting. I have this little office space where I can pray and meditate in private and quiet. I can sit on the bench at my desk and look out the window, I can sit on the floor pad and use the bench as a desk (as I typically do), and I can carve out a little tucked away space in the closet under my hanging clothes during times I really want to not be fully noticed since there's not currently a door on the room.

"But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." - Matthew 6:6 ESV

It will be interesting to see the way God uses this time with him. I'll be sure to journal about it here.

Give It Time

"The discipline of regular prayer and meditation is vital for my daily health." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

I have struggled to have a set time with God everyday. Sure, I check in with God throughout the day...sometimes...and always find it to be valuable. Yet, what is it about setting a scheduled time on a daily basis that I balk at? If I close my eyes and listen, I hear that I have developed a belief over the years that God will not show up for me. How odd, because God has continually showed up in my life. I'm surprised by the ways on a regular basis...like with Thomas Merton and Two-way Payer...both of those were put in my path multiple times in the past few weeks. That's no coincidence. That's God. It's not God that's not showing up, it's me that's not showing up...out of fear, maybe. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I'll be guided to do things out of my ability to do. Fear of things that will stretch me. I have a different way now that takes me out of fear and into freedom. It's time for me to step out in faith, and put this important tool to practice.

"When I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:6-8 ESV

A Letter from God

My Dear Child,

You are my child and I love you...forever and always. I want the best for you. I'm asking you to trust me, and let me lead you so that you can overcome any troubles that you encounter in life. I know you are scared, and have been so angry with me about the past. That part of you ... addiction ... helped you cope, and now I know you're yearning for something else. Let me be that for you. I will not fail you. Give me your fear and I will bring you peace. Give me your pain, let me comfort your hurt places. You no longer have to carry your burdens. You were meant to soar like the birds of the sky, and glide like the fish of the sea. Please, my child, I've never left you. I've always been by your side, even in your darkest times. Take my hand. Let me be the Way for you. I see your path clearly. I know what lies ahead. You have nothing to fear. I will light your path. 

Your loving Father, Mother, Universe, and Higher Power, God.

Psalms 1:1

I've decided to read through the Psalms. I've never done this before, and I'm pretty Bible novice. I'm letting myself read through, and giving myself the opportunity to meditate on each verse...letting God speak to me what I need right now...without the expectation of perfection. 

"Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers." 

Psalms 1:1 NLT 

The first thing I notice in this verse is that joys is plural. Those who turn away from bad advice, hanging around with the wrong people, and refrain from making fun of the Truth receive joyS...multiple and multitude joy. 

I lived a lifetime of life without joy, both singular and plural, by doing exactly what this verse advises against. I was desperately sad and full of anger and rage. It was a pitiful existence. This led me to leaving my husband for another man, a decision that nearly cost me my life.

Thankfully, I survived that experience, and I found my way back to God. God has taken my madness and sin, and has reconstructed my life. He has created goodness out of the pain...joyS in so many ways.

I am excited for what God has in store for my life. His restoration and grace has humbled me beyond measure.

Justifiable Anger?

"Today I believe I can change only my own attitudes, my own behaviors, and the situations I create." - Seeking the Spiritual Path 

I have come to believe and know that the only power I'm given by relying on my higher power--God--is the ability to change myself. I spent most of my life wishing and demanding that other people change so that I wouldn't be so unhappy and angry. I became a person that was nearly impossible to please. Who in their right mind would want to be around me? I was judgmental and superior...yet, my life was a huge mess. So, I was also a hypocrite. I was everything I thought myself not to be, and I dove deeper into my disease of addiction in order to escape. 

Only through working the 12 Steps have I actually started to become the person I always claimed to be. I do still fail--I'm human after all--and I am humbled in my humanity; that is what allows me to connect and extend grace to others as they find their way through life, just as I am finding my way, too.

Slow Sunday

It's been a lovely day here. The sun is shining and the windows are open, which the cats love. I think it even neared 50 degrees today. That's quite unusual for weather here in February. I can't say that I mind. The only thing I missed this winter was there was no good snowfall. I like a good snowstorm that drops a bunch of snow...like a winter wonderland. There's something very special about freshly fallen snow. The world sounds different. It's so quiet and serene. It speaks differently, and I love it. It's a whisper saved only for those who find the snow special and beautiful.

Today has been full of recovery work. I spoke with my sponsor this morning. I then went to my weekly OA meeting. I connected with an OA fellow after the meeting. Then I also had the chance to attend a BBA meeting this afternoon. Mixed in there was reading the Give God a Year book, catching up on reading the blogs I enjoy, and piddling around the house.

Dodger helped Dancer most of the morning with putting a new door on their garage, and he snapped a picture of the new cabinets in their kitchen while he was there. Uncle Stacey should be able to come over within the next week or two and help them get the cabinets secured to the wall or whatnot...I'm not really sure what he's coming over to do. I just let her do the upgrades as needed, and she takes money off their monthly rent for what she's spent on materials. Their rent doesn't add to our income...I only charge her what it costs to keep the place with services. There is no mortgage on it anymore. Thing is, I don't really track it. The cost of the services there has likely gone up since they've moved in, but it's whatever. It's just how I help them get on their feet financially and know they live in a halfway-decent neighborhood just a few blocks from us.

I will finish up this day looking over some workbooks for some worksheets to bring to recovery group tomorrow, and maybe finishing up an assessment and treatment plan and notes. I prefer to have some time away from work, and I'm not all that far behind; so, I might just wait until tomorrow to tackle the work stuff later in the day, when I have some open time to do so.

Right now, though, I am going to listen to another BBA recording and do some BBA transcribing in my big book, so that I have a jump on the next assignment and not wait until the last minute to get it done.

Give God a Year

I picked up this book recently--likely at a thrift store--because the title spoke to me. I figured I'd look through it and if it felt doable and spoke to me and what I've been seeking, then I'd give it a try. Basically, I see this as a personal and social experiment...not testing God, per se, but I'm curious...if I give God a year, what will happen? I figure not giving God much of anything for a huge chunk of my life led me into some very dark and scary places, this has got to be better than that. I've already seen God's work in my life in many ways, even when I wasn't following him (I'm just going to use the genderfied pronoun here, because of tradition and all that. I don't really know that God is male, female, or whatnot). I'm curious and excited to see what God might do when I'm actually giving him the reigns and not trying to control everything.

This book is the author's memoir of her 365 day challenge of giving God a year of her life. It includes her process and some guidance on the steps to take in applying her process to our lives.

At this point, I'm convinced to try it. A year will pass anyway, so why not give this a go and see what happens. The author recommends journalling our process and how we're seeing God work in our lives. So, I'm just going to pop those journal entries here along with everything else I journal about my life.

To begin with, she asks us to prayerfully explore the things we want God to do--God's Part--and the things we need to do--My Part--and come up with a list for each. So, here's my list...

God's Part

"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." - Matthew 7:11 NLT

1. to know God better and lean into his direction for my life
2. our entire family to know and serve God
3. reach my weight goal and stay there
4. to be close to and have a healthy relationship with Dancer
5. to have a God-led marriage and friendships
6. vibrant health emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically
7. no debt and financial fitness

My Part

"I discipline by body like and athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." - I Corinthians 9:27 NLT

1. prayer and meditation; quiet time for reading and studying 12-Step literature, doing step-work, Bible study, and journaling
2. yoga everyday
3. start a strength and functional fitness program -- workout cards
4. stay on abstinent food plan and track foods on MyFitnessPal
5. moisturizing face, neck, hands, and heels before bed; brush teeth at least twice every day
6. connect with one other fellow in Program
7. invite myself to participate when wanting to avoid these things and pray on it
8. track spending; make a budget and stick to it; plan purchases

The author reminds us that God's Part is for God. God knows the big-picture, and if I PRAY and OBEY, then God will fulfill his promises.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." - Matthew 6:33 NLT

God will give me everything I need. God knows what I need. God knows me better than I know myself. All I need to do is seek his Kingdom and his Righteousness, and God will provide everything I need.

No Cuddles in the Cupboard

 "...after much earnest praying and reading..." "Surrender gives me hope, and the promise..." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

Surrender has been knocking at my door for awhile now. See, I'm all about using my brain to navigate the world. I have prided myself on being smart, logical, and rational. It's not as if those qualities are bad, they've helped me understand Recovery and what is required of me, it's just that they're missing the other parts of the AA Circle & Triangle...Body and Spirit. Body asks me to find Unity with others...which can happen in various ways. Spirit asks me to be of Service for God to others in the program and out. My heart seeks these two, yet, the vulnerability they require has some parts of me avoiding the work in those areas. I believe with "much earnest praying and reading," I will find my way there. I am, I believe, finally at the point where I'm ready to surrender and seek what God would have me be and do.

Emo Philips & Weird Al at UIS

We got to see Weird Al at UIS tonight. Emo Philips opened for him. Both were great.

haunted {haiku}

jealousy haunts me

madness and insanity

need to be needed

Just a Day

Sarah and I met at the book barn yesterday morning. I ended up buying nearly $100 worth of books...42 books; most of them being $1 a piece. She brought me two more books--Wild at Heart and Captivating by John Eldredge--that she purchased for me. So, obviously I came home with a lot of books yesterday, and now I need to find room for them on my bookshelves.

She treated me to Korean food for lunch. I had bibimbap. Oh wow, it was amazing! So amazing, in fact, that I ended up taking Dodger there for dinner and dessert after we went to the 5p church service. It was our first time back at church in maybe three months or so. Many Saturday evenings, we've had something scheduled to do and have been unable to go. Other Saturdays, we've just been hanging out at home and trying to recuperate from our week.

I'm glad we went. It was a fine time and a good message. We've never been church-goers as a couple. However, since the separation and all that, things have changed for us. We're doing things differently, including establishing some sort-of spiritual guidance and grounding in our lives. Like I told Sarah a few weeks ago, "We spent 30 years of our relationship without God, and look where it got us."

Do you know, the Program of OA led me back to God? My step partner and I were talking about that Saturday when we spoke. She said the same thing happened for her. I don't know "what " God is, and truly, it doesn't matter in order for God to be the Source of strength in my life and recovery.

Miracle in Minneapolis

"Her motion through the air was that gently comic flight common to baby birds and to someone newly abstinent in OA: up and down she went. Would she make it? I wondered. I chose to believe she would." - Seeing the Spiritual Path

I'm a good 4 years into the program, and there are times I still feel like this baby bird...up and down she went. I talked with my sponsor this morning, and got deep into some inner-family work. I have a part of me that spoke up and said, "but we could have done more," as I was sharing what program work I had done over the past week. The thing is, this part of me--who I figure is about 12-years-old--often feels unheard and ignored. She insisted on being heard today, and I listened to understand...which is not what normally happens. She knows we're struggling, and is trying to be helpful by leading me to places she knows work to create ease. Other part(s) typically shut her down because they hear her as being judgy or whatnot. However, my Higher Power was with me today in listening to her intention with no expectation that she change how she communicates her desires. She's only 12, afterall. My sponsor picked up on her desiring my trustworthiness. She wants me to keep my word to myself=us as a collective inner-family. She doesn't like it when she can't trust the rest of us to follow through with what we said we'd do; and we said that we'd journal at least three days a week...working towards a daily practice.

This inner-family of mine is still learning to turn towards each other and listen to understand. I've come to the realization that we'll always be unable to do that without God's guidance and filter through which to see, hear, and understand. I think THIS is the key. When I let God direct me and give me strength, I can be trustworthy to myself and others.

So, it is in this way, that I still find myself being like the baby bird...learning how to fly...learning how to trust and be trustworthy. If I can't trust myself, I can't expect to be able to trust others, because my closest relationship...my foundational relationship...is with myself--which if not supported by my relationship with God, becomes unstable and unmanageable.

What a revelation for me...trusting God leads to being able to trust myself leads to being able to trust others. I had the order all wrong, which is why when I don't put building my relationship with God first, my flight becomes like the baby bird...up and down she went.

white spaces {haiku}

marginalia
writing lingers on the page
treasures left behind

January 25 2023

"We were never meant to face this disease in isolation" - Twelve & Twelve of OA

"I do not need to live in isolation any longer because there are people who understand my disease. I share in the camaraderie of fellow compulsive overeaters." - Voices of Recovery

I have never felt more alone than I did when I was in the throes of my eating disorder. I never felt like I fit in anywhere, even in a group of close friends. Honestly, I still experience that phenomenon from time to time...feeling alone in a group of people. That's a part of the way this disease affects my brain, and it's something I have trained my brain to overcome in a myriad of ways. However, there is nothing like sitting in a space with others who KNOW what my brain is like, because there's is like this, too.

I'm currently in the process of finding a 'home group' in OA. My sponsor suggested that instead of attending a variety of meetings each week, I pick ONE meeting and stick with it for six weeks and see how it lands. It makes sense to invest in one group and its members for a while to see how things grow and how I can connect, rather than be a floater in various groups...which, honestly, allows me to sidestep investing in anyone and avoid getting close to anyone which saves me from possibly being disappointed or hurt by others.

So, I have followed my sponsor's suggestion and chosen a meeting that starts shortly after our weekly call. This keeps me in recovery-focused-mode on a day and time that I'm used to, and it takes up little extra of my time because I'm rarely ever doing anything else of much importance during this time each week. It's one hour extra each week, and part of that time is devoted to journaling, which is a tool of recovery that I've been wanting to implement for quite some time.

The first week attending, I heard someone share that he picks a quote or two from his daily reading(s) and journals about those. That seemed easy enough to implement, and I've been doing so fairly consistently for not quite two weeks now. I've missed a few days, and I'm still happy with the process and my progress.

Simplifying Life

 Initially, I started to post my Recovery Journal posts on another blog, and then thought better of it. There's no good reason why they need to be separated from the rest of my blog posts. So, I moved those posts here earlier today, and then started typing in some old paper journal entries that I found recently--most are from 2005 and 2007. It's very interesting to see the things I was struggling with back then. I'm in such a different place right now

I decided this semester to drop the class I had registered for, and I likely won't be going back. I decided last summer that I was no longer interested in the Social Service Administration concentration, and changed it to Alcohol and Drug, with the goal of getting my CADC. However, after speaking with one of my clinical supervisors at work, I already have what I need to get my CADC without having to spend the extra time and money finishing this second Master's degree.

Dodger is going back to school starting next week, so I'm looking forward to just helping him get through his semesters without a ton of stress. He's starting with just one class, since it's been decades since he's been in the classroom.

I still have a ton going on. This week, I'll be submitting my paperwork to apply to get my PCGC. Once that's accepted, I'll need to study and pass that exam before they'll award me that certification. 

Next is starting to study for my LCPC exam. I'll have all of the clinical supervision and hours I need in another three months. I'd like to test for licensure shortly after that. I also need to start getting that paperwork in order. I still have my application on file from my LPC, and it's all the same except a few updates. So, that's helpful.

I also have to pay money to the state soon to keep my LPC before that expires in March. I have a few more required CEs that I need to complete first.

Somewhere in here, I will also start looking into getting the application for the CADC completed and do whatever's necessary to get the ball rolling on taking that exam.

I'm also heavily into growing my spiritual life. I've started a Big Book BBA workshop, and have been meeting with my step partner weekly. I'm devoting 6 weeks to attending one weekly OA meeting consistently. I've picked one that is on Sunday mornings right after I get finished speaking with my sponsor. I've been doing well reading the daily readings in Voices of Recovery, and I'm in process of creating a habit of journaling. Next is to focus on establishing a pray and meditation time everyday.

Answers Sought, Prayer Delivered

 "Once I got in touch with these feelings, the cravings passed."- Seeking the Spiritual Path

This is true for me. I spent years running from my feelings, pushing them away, punishing them, and in a myriad of ways just escaping from myself and from life. Thank God I don't have to do this anymore. My life has changed all through working the 12 Steps and addressing the spiritual malady mentioned in the Big Book of AA. I no longer binge to escape and restrict to punish. I feel a true connection between all parts of myself...no longer banishing any parts to dark corners inside. I have become aware of my inner world, and when things aren't "at ease." I allow myself the time to get honest with myself, God, and another human being about what's happening in those moments, and I lean into the work of the 12 Steps. My life is so different today--going on three years of abstinence--and I can truly say that I know the way to freedom, and no longer am a slave to my addiction, no matter how it presents itself in my daily life.

Tuesday January 17 2023

 "Perseverance now means working through daily struggles with the hope of resolution and a brighter tomorrow." - Voices of Recovery

"Working through struggles is a part of recovery." - Voices of Recovery

"Trusting a higher power...in God's time, the answers will come." - Voices of Recovery

Persevere... don't miss my miracle!

I heard someone say once that there's no such thing as small miracles, because a miracle, by definition, is something unexpected, extraordinary, and grand. Yet, I see small miracles all around me...in my clients, in my relationships, in my inner world. I'd rather seek the breath of fresh air that is life with a higher power's care and guidance than live through another day that was the Hell in my mind. God is enough for both big and small miracles...little lessons guiding me towards greater peace and joy.

"We will be shaped by the company we keep." - 365 Tao

God, your will, not mine, be done.

Monday January 16 2023

"I can be a living example of a dying example of how the program works" - Voices of Recovery

And wouldn't I rather be a living example and share how this program took me from dying to living...in mind, body, and spirit? Of course!

"If you constantly regard Tao as extraordinary, then it remains unknown and outside yourself--a myth, a fantasy, an unnameable quantity. But once you know it, it is yours and part of your daily life." - 365 Tao

It is through God that I am able to live fully and as an example of how the program works. God working, living, and being with me as a part of my daily life. I want connection to source-God to be as natural as breathing. This is my deepest desire.

"God, as I understand you, I pray to keep my connection with you open and clear from the confusion of daily life. Through my prayers and meditation, I ask especially for freedom from self-will, rationalization, and wishful thinking. I pray for your guidance of correct thought and positive action. Your will, not mine, be done."

Sunday January 15 2023

 "In Step 6, I became willing to let go of whatever stood in the way of my being present to life." - Voices of Recovery

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

As I read that quote, I never really considered that my "defects of character" were standing in the way of being present to life...my life and the lives of those around me. Yet, that is exactly what was happening and what still happens when these defects (defaults--as my sponsor often calls them) take over. Suddenly, I'm taken to the past or future where fantastical stories exist, and I have no presence of mind to deal with and/or enjoy today. The beauty of the present is that I have choices and freedom to be and arrive in the ways I have learned how to be through working the 12 Steps of the program. "I am powerless over fixing myself, but I am not helpless." I can pray Step 6, be willing to be willing, and trust and accept God's timing and plan.

"Today, I choose to practice unconditional self-acceptance while I relish the mystery of change."