Just a Day

Sarah and I met at the book barn yesterday morning. I ended up buying nearly $100 worth of books...42 books; most of them being $1 a piece. She brought me two more books--Wild at Heart and Captivating by John Eldredge--that she purchased for me. So, obviously I came home with a lot of books yesterday, and now I need to find room for them on my bookshelves.

She treated me to Korean food for lunch. I had bibimbap. Oh wow, it was amazing! So amazing, in fact, that I ended up taking Dodger there for dinner and dessert after we went to the 5p church service. It was our first time back at church in maybe three months or so. Many Saturday evenings, we've had something scheduled to do and have been unable to go. Other Saturdays, we've just been hanging out at home and trying to recuperate from our week.

I'm glad we went. It was a fine time and a good message. We've never been church-goers as a couple. However, since the separation and all that, things have changed for us. We're doing things differently, including establishing some sort-of spiritual guidance and grounding in our lives. Like I told Sarah a few weeks ago, "We spent 30 years of our relationship without God, and look where it got us."

Do you know, the Program of OA led me back to God? My step partner and I were talking about that Saturday when we spoke. She said the same thing happened for her. I don't know "what " God is, and truly, it doesn't matter in order for God to be the Source of strength in my life and recovery.

One is the Loneliest Number

Only one family member has reached out to me to ask me how I'm doing since finding out my marriage went to shit. ONE. Yet, many of my own family members have reached out to him to ask him how he's doing and to talk behind my back.

Let me just say, I don't need people like that in my life.

To Everything, There is a Season

I have a lot of big changes coming in 2014.  I will share them as the time seems right.  One at a time.  See, I keep secrets... I keep secrets in a sacred place.  It is important to not have people piss all over your dreams.  It may surprise you, or not, who will be your biggest supporters and who will question why you even bother.

I was reminded, once again, of this at Xmas time this year as I let one of my secrets out to my family and got lukewarm to cold responses.  It was a mistake to tell.  It's a mistake that I'll never, ever, make again!

I was warned by a mentor and by my husband to keep it quiet but I went ahead with it anyway.  I think sometimes we just need to see one last time who's on our side.

Check out this post on The Proper Care and Feeding of Dreams.

I have HUGE dreams.  Big huge dreams that scare the living shit out of me!  The season of raising a family is coming to an end and my focus can shift elsewhere now.  Dancer is nearly 18, will be driving soon, and will be starting her drive towards her dreams soon.  I finally got clarity on my path.

I shared this on Facebook a few days ago, "And so, she finally recognized herself and where her passions want to take her. There are seasons in life. Sometimes we have to be focused elsewhere for a time... watering and caring for the roots that need to grow deep... before we are able to reach for the sun and bloom. - LJM"

I waited, sometimes very impatiently, for my path to get clear enough to start down it.  I needed time to change.  I needed time to raise my daughter and do right by her.  I needed time to grow my marriage.  I needed time to bloom where I was planted.  I came to, dare I say, enjoy domestic duties and taking care of my family.  But I knew there was more waiting for me, I just had to wait for the right time, the right season, and now that season begins.

5 Lines of Dead Milkmen #BEDM

We went to the Phillie Pizza Company and ordered some hot tea
The waitress said "Well no, we only have it iced"
So we jumped up on the table and shouted "anarchy"
And someone played a Beach Boys song on the jukebox
It was "California Dreamin'" so we started screamin' "On such a winter's day"
This month, I'm doing a Blog Everyday In May challenge.  My friend Amanda shared it on her blog yesterday, that's how I found out about it.  I shared it with my friend JoAnn this morning and she's going to do it, too.  Today's "theme" is 5 Lines.  Dodger played this song on YouTube a few days ago and last night when I was wracking my brain with what to do for "5 Lines" I thought, what the heck, let's do 5 lines of a song and this song was still in my head... and these are my favorite lines in the song... so there you go.  ;)  Actually, I love this song.  I had this album in high school.  It just brings back good memories of crazy times with my crazy and awesome friends.  :)

Now... the rest of the story.

I had a rough night sleeping last night.  I think it was the headache that I've had since Monday night.  I can't wait for this front to move through so I can have my head back again.  At some point early this morning, I was awakened by who I thought was Dancer but as it turns out it was Dodger coming through my room to go to the bathroom.  The layout of our house really stinks.  You have to walk through my bedroom to get to the bathroom.  He must have woken up with a tummy ache because I found an empty bottle of the pink stuff in the sink earlier when I was doing the dishes and Dancer said it wasn't her that needed it.

After that, I couldn't get back to sleep because my brain wouldn't shut off.  I kept thinking about the "5 Lines" theme for the day.  Then after I came up with doing the Dead Milkmen song, then I started thinking of my high school time with Dodger and the silly videos we used to make with our friends Chris and Erin.  I wonder if he still has them.  I want copies!

Then I thought about how crazy it was that my mom let me go off almost every weekend to visit Dodger at college over an hour away, when I was a senior in high school.  There were no cell phones back then.  She must have been sick out of her mind but let me do it anyway because she knew how unhappy I was without him here.

Then I started thinking about Dodger dying before me and how unbearable that would be.  We're both getting close to 40 and for some reason we think a lot more about our mortality.  I told him over the weekend that I have to go first because I don't know how to live without him.  So, then I started crying.

Ahhhhh... so I got up... sometime before 7.  I checked in with a few friends on Facebook.  It's May 1st and my month-long Facebook break is over.  I will blog about my thoughts on that soon enough.  Then I did some laundry while Dodger was still sleeping.

By the time he was up and in the shower, I had decided to go to the grocery store.  I got there about 8:30 but it wasn't open yet.  Sigh.  So I filled time by dropping off 4 more PaperBackSwap book requests at the post office, stopping at a Walgreens to see if they had any more sandals in the style I wanted, and briefly walking through Dollar General to fill time (since it's right next door to Aldi) before Aldi's opened at 9.

I found the black and tans ones today.
I love the pink ones but I needed more colors.

When I got back from the store, I got the box fans out of the garage, got some windows open, and got the fans in the windows because it's another warm day here today.  Then put the groceries away.

Then I ate... then I exercised and did my reviews.  My feet were giving me fits today with the inserts in.  I just can't win.  I had to take one of them out before I was finished with my workout.

Dancer and I were supposed to go thrifting today because she needs shorts for summer.  But she's sore, so we didn't go.  I made her a birdie-egg pie for lunch and now I'm blogging.

That's my day so far.  I'm thawing out steak for dinner.  I hope Dodger is up to grilling tonight, depending on what time he gets home from work.  Steak tastes best grilled.

I can't wear these anymore.
Whaaaaaaa!

I'm rockin' it!

Songs for Dodger: We Belong

So many of us have been here, in this place, in our love-relationships.  Dodger and I have gone through some pretty big growing pains together in the nearly 22 years we've been together.  Staying together, long-term, is no easy task.  I can honestly say, that if two people really love each other and there is no kind-of abuse then all of these obstacles and growing pains can be overcome.  Dodger and I are in a very good place right now but we've been "here".  So this song is for never giving up.

I'm crying now... so let's just listen to the song.

---

Many times I've tried to tell you, many times I've cried alone
Always I'm surprised how well you cut my feelings to the bone
Don't wanna leave you really, I've invested too much time
To give you up that easy, to the doubts that complicate your mind

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Maybe it's a sign of weakness, when I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know what to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit, do we distort the facts
Now there's no looking forward, now there's no turning back, when you say

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Close your eyes and try to sleep now, close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best to try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it, how much we really care
I hear your voice inside me, I see your face everywhere, still you say

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words we've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
We belong, we belong, we belong together

Songs for Dodger: Let's Hear It for the Boy

This one is perfect to start my Songs for Dodger series.

This song is perfectly him.  :)

-----------

My baby, he don't talk sweet

He ain't got much to say

But he loves me, loves me, loves me

I know that he loves me anyway

And maybe he don't dress fine

But I don't really mind

'Cause every time he pulls me near

I just wanna cheer

Let's hear it for the boy

Let's give the boy a hand

Let's hear it for my baby

You know you gotta understand

Maybe he's no Romeo

But he's my loving one-man show

Whooa, whooa, whooa-oh

Let's hear it for the boy

My baby may not be rich

He's watching every dime

But he loves me, loves me, loves me

We always have a real good time

And maybe he sings off-key

But that's all right by me, yeah

'Cause what he does, he does so well

Makes me wanna yell

Let's hear it for the boy

Aaaah, let's give the boy a hand

Let's hear it for my baby

You know you gotta understand

Oh-oh-oh, maybe he's no Romeo

But he's my loving one-man show

Whooa, whooa, whooa-oh

Let's hear it for the boy

All Night Jam Session

Dodger painting a client's shutter while we were jamming out to
John Bonham killing on the drums, live,  in Moby Dick.

Dodger and I had such a great time hanging out last night.  We had a full-on jam session all night long with the help of YouTube and great music.  Dodger has such a range of musical tastes that we heard everything from NWA to Blink 182 to Pink Floyd.  It was 7 hours of pure musical bliss and I mostly agreed with his song choices.

I'm going to link up just a few of the epic songs that we ended the night with.  We are so lucky and blessed to be able experience these things.

John Donham

Best drum solo ever!

Epic guitar solo by David Gilmour.

When the song was over, I liken it to amazing sex.

The type that takes you to another plane of existence.

Zakk Wylde killing the guitar.

"Guess you guys aren't ready for that yet

but your kids are going to love it." - Marty McFly

10 Years Ago Today...

Dodger and I got married.

This is the post-it note I left him on the bathroom mirror to find this morning when he got up to get ready for work.

We're low-key like that... no grand gestures... just little reminders that we matter to each other and that we remember each other.

I helped him at one of his jobs last night, removing wallpaper.  Just outside the bedroom door of the couple who's room is being painted soon, they had wall art that said... Always kiss me goodnight.  I absolutely said, "Aw. That's so sweet and it's true.  We could be like your aunt and uncle and one of us could just not wake up one day."

Man, I love him so stinkin' much.  Every moment of almost 22 years together now has been worth it.  Some of that time was so very, very hard.  We have had a ton of growing pains.  He's still my best friend ever and forever.  I have no plans for that to ever change.

Something changes the moment you decide you’ve found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to. Something stands out and makes the moment unique. A profound multidimensional clarity resembling a piece of carefully gathered stardust; As if you are whispering “finally” and your eyes fill with light and spontaneity. As if you do not care whether your heart will melt or crumble in the process because your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief. You live for these moments; For you are, maybe for one second or more, sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy. A moment of psychological reward smashing all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror. This is all you need.” — Anaïs Nin; “The Diary of Anaïs Nin"

Loving What Is

Every morning I wake up to evidence that my husband, the love of my life, lives here. His clothes are on the bathroom floor, behind the door. The cabinets in the kitchen are usually left open. There is usually a cup with a milk ring at the bottom and evidence of a late night snack on the floor in the living room.

For the longest time, I hated it. I hated picking up after him. I resented his careless living style. The messes made me feel like he didn't care.

Lots of things have changed since then. I worked on my heart issues and stopped resenting him. We've connected at a deeper level, emotionally, since then. I've worked along side him at his job and I know how hard he works, how much he cares, and just how physically and mentally taxing his business can be for him.

So today, as I'm cleaning up the little messes reminders that he (he... the love of my life... the one who I come to love deeper on a daily basis... the one who mirrors my issues right back at me... the one I chose to be with for the rest of my life.) lives here, I realize that one day he will be gone and I'll miss the very things that I used to resent. There will no longer be any daily evidence of his existence, of his life, in our home. Maybe I'll be the first to go and he'll miss the daily evidence that I live here... that I take care of him and have his back... and he'll miss me.

Please quit taking your spouses for granted. Love them for who they are. They are not the little messes or the little mistakes. Welcome them home at the door with a smile and a hug.

It took a long time for me to get here, to this place inside of me, that appreciates the messes and forgives the mistakes. But I'll tell you, it was worth it, so very worth it.

One day, I'll have to leave the cabinet doors open, the clothes on the floor, and evidence of a late night snack, just so I can remember just how much his love and his life means to me.

Pace Smith, writer and spiritual misfit, wrote a really great blog post about resentment. It's lovely and I think it would change your heart if you took the time to read it.

Recent Revelations

So here recently on the home-front, I came to the point of wanting to give up.  It seemed that nothing I did was good enough for Dodger.  I threw my hands up and went running to my online Yahoo Group community... my source of real and trusted online friends.  In a nutshell, I was like... "What am I going to do with him?  I can't take anymore.  How do I stop him from treating me this way?"

And through the questions that were then asked by my friends, I was able to talk through it and find out that the problem was really with me, not my husband.  I was finally able to put into words what I've felt for a long time... the reasons why this homemaker stuff never seemed to fit me... why I fought it all of these years.  Why I was unable to do the bare minimum that my husband was requesting of me so that he felt happy and comfortable in his own home.  It was because I didn't want to become my mother!  Yeah, I always sort-of knew it but I had never spelled it out... never was able to put a finger on just what that meant.

So here it is...

What being a homemaker meant to me {even though I can look at great homemakers like my friend Julie and LOVE what they do and want to be more like them} that you lost yourself and then you split up your family trying to find yourself.  THAT is what my mom did... my whole life I've been trying NOT to be like my mom.

So I told my friend Sarah this last weekend when Dancer and I were over at her place on Saturday... and she was like, "that's really deep."  Yeah, I know.... but more than that it was a HUGE breakthrough!  HUGE!  Know what's not hard anymore?... keeping the house in an ever tidy form.  It's not immaculate... I'm not Wonder Woman... but the floors are swept everyday, the dishes are done, I'm back to using my organizational index card system along with a few other things that keep me focused on things I want to get done.

Things have been more peaceful around here, for sure.  I'm still working on expressing my needs.  I'm still not feeling very nurtured by Dodger.  I'd like him to be more delicate with me... more romantic, flirty, um... I don't quite know the word I'm looking for here.  It just brings to mind that song by Jewel where she says, "Be careful with me.  I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."

The Man Challenge aka The Dad Challenge

image by Kefi, pd

Over the past few days, I've posted about the current winter in my relationship with my husband.  Yesterday, I decided that I wasn't going to settle for winter.  That I could indeed bring about the spring that is so desperately needed here.

Last night I read a Marriage Mote, an email subscription that is sent out for free by Caring for Marriage.  The message was meant for men in regards to their wives but it is easily adjusted for any marriage/partner relationship.  The email lists 5 facts for husbands about their wives from the book For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhaun.

Here are those facts...

Fact# 1-Inside my dear wife, that little dancing girl is still very much alive. Only now she twirls for me.

Fact# 2-In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be foremost in my mind, but it is an everyday issue for her.

Fact# 3-In our house there is really only one mirror, and it is me.

Fact# 4-Every day, I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear. But if I don't I leave her vulnerable to both her inner questions and external pressure from an intimidating world.

Fact# 5-In my hand I hold a hammer.

And yet, I can change these things around to fit my partner.  I am his mirror everyday.  What is he seeing?

So, today I offered up a challenge to myself and to my daughter.  How can we change dad's attitude?  He's been negative and grumpy and we've been reacting to it.  Many times we are obvious about the fact that we would prefer him to not be at home.  That breaks my heart when I think about it.  How would we feel if our family didn't want us at home?  We wouldn't feel very welcome or loved, would we?  So, I offered up the challenge today to treat dad like we want him here... like we're grateful for what he does for us... that we actually do like him, as well as, love him... to adjust our attitude towards him.

She's up to the challenge and so am I.

I think I hear the ice melting already.

Not Settling For Winter

images by Alan Zumerfeld and Malene Thyssen, cc

Yesterday, I posted about the winter that the relationship with my love is going through.  After I wrote that and as I was drifting off to sleep, it dawned on me that if all I did was hope and pray that our spring would come again then it wouldn't happen.  I remembered my word for 2011... ACTION...

Action is what will move us past this winter in our lives.  Action, doing my part in being a supportive and positive partner.  One of my favorite unschoolers, Dayna Martin, is always expressing her gratitude... no matter what the circumstances.  ...Have you read about her rice experiment?...  I know that without a doubt that this is the reason for her continued blessed life.  So, I will do what I know works, without a doubt.  I will express my gratitude towards my husband {{and to the other people in my life}} no matter what comes my way.

I think this is a good start towards our spring.  ♥

“There is a law of gratitude, and it is . . . the natural principle that action and reaction are always equal and in opposite directions. The grateful outreaching of your mind in thankful praise to supreme intelligence is a liberation or expenditure of force. It cannot fail to reach that to which it is addressed, and the reaction is an instantaneous movement toward you.” — Wally Wattles

A Song For Our Rough Winter

A few days ago I stumbled upon Buffalo Lucy.  She posted this video of the song Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson.



My dear love and I are having a rough winter in our relationship right now. We just can't seem to get along. He's gripey about stupid little things and I feel like I'm always walking on egg-shells around him. {{fighting back tears here}} I hope and pray that we soon find our spring and each other again.

This is my winter song to you.

The storm is coming soon,

it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.

My words will be your light,

to carry you to me.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love

They say that things just cannot grow

beneath the winter snow,

or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,

just like a distant star

I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

This is my winter song.

December never felt so wrong,

cause youre not where you belong;

inside my arms.

I still believe in summer days.

The seasons always change

and life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light

and send it out tonight

so we can start again.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

This is my winter song.

December never felt so wrong,

cause you're not where you belong;

inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.

The storm is coming soon

it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.

My words will be your light

to carry you to me.

harboring deep hidden love for someone else

Sometimes you swear you could get knocked over by a feather.  How does someone go through hell and back with their spouse ... swear by an active sex life ... and then end up harboring some deep hidden love for someone other than their spouse?  Wild... I am truly shocked and I rarely get shocked. [Dena]

As for me, I enjoy the ups and downs of my relationship with Dodger.  Sometimes we go through rough spots... we've been through our own hell and back, for sure... but over-all we've only grown more attached and more in-love with each other in the nearly 19 years of being together.  I still love the times when we obviously have the butterflies towards each other but I don't linger on those times wishing they would return.  I know they will.  It's just part of the ebb and flow.  :)

The food logging has been going well this week.  I've logged everyday... even if I went over my budget on those days.  I look forward to my weigh-in on Monday.

January 23 2007

 So after Dodger chose not to support me at Christmas...and I got even more upset and hurt than I've ever been with him...he reluctantly apologize but now I basically don't exist.

I try to talk to him and give some form of affection but get next to nothing in return.

Why is my life so painful?

What did I do wrong to deserve such shit in my life?

How do you heal when people keep hurting you at the deepest level?

What comforts the pain if I stop using food for that?

August 18, 2005

I just got home from work. My back hurts so bad! I've got to call a chiropractor to find out how much the initial visit plus the exrays are going to cost... a wonderful couple at church said that they would pay for it.

Still working on getting homeschooling stuff ready. It's pretty much consuming my life right now. I put 2 bids in just a few minutes ago for Social Studies and Health books. They end at 10:30 and 11:30 and I won't be awake then so I hope I get them with the bids I placed.

I've got one more night of work tonight and then I've got the weekend off. I may be working Mon and Tues but Kohl's isn't for sure yet that they are going to get a truck in then. If I don't work I'll have a nice 5 day break.... yeah!

I'm thinking sometime in late Sept early Oct that it would be a good time to take a weekend away with Dodger. I'm looking at a few bed and breakfasts that are only a few hours away and don't cost an arm and a leg. I'd love to go back to the one we went to on our honeymoon but it's super $. The Round Barn Inn in McCordsville, IN. .... we stayed in the hayloft suite.... man, that king size bed was awesome! One day I'm planning on having a house big enough for a king size bed. It was so nice to just get away and just chill out. We pretty much vegged the entire time.... we did go out to eat one night. And the food that they fixed for breakfast.... OMG!.... AWESOME!

ok.... off to bed for me!

Pics of the Round Barn Inn...

Beautiful Place.

This was the main room. A living room with an extra bed and a pull-out sofa.
No cable TV but there was a VCR and some tapes to watch.

This was the bedroom. A king size bed. Totally heaven.
Both Dodger and I could stretch out in the bed and barely touch.

The hot tub that was in the bedroom.
We used it a few times.