If Only

How has my life been filled with "if only's?"

I chuckled a bit about the lengthy list of "if only's" in the reading (Step One -- The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous), as I recognize myself in them. I often thought, if only people in my life would love me how I wanted to be loved, I would be able to love myself. If only others would act this way or that, I wouldn't be so angry all the time. If only food didn't make me fat, I could eat whatever I wanted and be happy. If God were sharing about me, I know He would say, 'the selfishness is strong in this one.' And that would be the God's honest truth. I wanted the world--everyone and everything in it --to be the way I wanted it so that I could live without all the drama I created for myself. Everything was always about  me. Truthfully, I still manage to find ways that I'm trying to control things around me, and thankfully I have some God-led awareness and people in my life that gently and compassionately remind me that I'm not in control, and I gratefully have a program that teaches me to prayerfully seek God's help in removing my shortcomings--which includes wanting to control and run my life on self-will instead of God's will. Old addictive ways creep up in a myriad of ways as I do the daily work in this program of recovery, and I find the struggle to lead to blessings and joy as I lean into my developing relationship with God. I am a grateful compulsive overeater, as this disease has opened up my world in ways I never expected and never thought possible.