Crazy Beautiful Incidences

Over my lifetime, I've pretty much always felt a connection with the Divine.  Even as a child my world would line up in ways that amazed me... and when these things happen to me now, I'm still amazed.  I'm sure many people experience this... you'll be thinking about a friend, for whatever reason, and all of a sudden the phone will ring and it's that friend.  These are the kinds of experiences and incidences that I'm talking about.  I don't call them coincidences because I don't believe there is such a thing... I believe everything happens for a reason.

Lately, for me, these things have been happening right and left.  Just a week ago, I was sorting out some email and found reoccuring messages.  Here's some examples:

These two emails were about worry... the first one coming from SparkPeople and the second from The Daily Groove.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles.... it empties today of its strength."  -  - Aunt Linda, as quoted by Jennifer Cribbs, SparkPeople community member

The destructive power of worry

Legend has it that 90% of what we worry about never comes to pass. Whether that is statistically precise or not, there's probably some truth to it in your life. How much of our lives do we miss because we're agonizing over what might happen down the road? How often do we fail to act--even if it's the right thing to do--because we fear any number of possible consequences? Fretting over the future doesn't solve any impending problems. It only paralyzes your actions of the present. It stresses you out, makes you mentally and physically tired, and saps all the fun out of what could have been another great day. Next time you start to worry about what might happen, think of this: You can prepare, but you cannot predict. So do what you can, and forget what you cannot.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle

www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Transcending Worry ::

Actuality is "what is," in the now.

Possibility is "what could be," in the future.

When you imagine possibilities, wanted or unwanted,

you bring them closer to actuality through the Law

of Attraction.

If you *worry* about the possibility of your teenager

getting in a car accident or your toddler falling

off the slide, you experience it almost as if it

were actual, and you put out a vibe that influences

them toward actualizing those (or similar) unwanted

possibilities.

But when you imagine your teenager getting home

safely or your toddler joyfully mastering the slide,

you attract those desired possibilities instead.

So it's good to shift from worry to a more

positive focus, but the best way to do that is,

paradoxically, to *allow* the worry to be.

When you're willing to be *present* with the

worry -- to *witness* it without judging or

resisting it -- its underlying source begins

to heal.

http://dailygroove.net/transcending-worry

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!

(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)

Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle

and these two email are about contentment and happiness the first by YogaJournal and the second by SparkPeople;

Find Contentment in Samtosha

Yoga is much more than a physical practice. It is also a philosophy about the way we should live. According to yogic philosophy, we cause ourselves pain by desiring things we don't have but think that we need. In other words, we hurt ourselves by yearning after what's out of reach.

Samtosha is a niyama, or guiding principle of yoga. This principle encourages us to develop contentment. It prescribes the merit of striving to be grateful for what we have rather than yearning for new and different things. The word samtosha is also sometimes translated as "happiness" because, by finding contentment with what we have, we also find joy, relaxation, and peace.

You can practice samtosha in all aspects of your life—toward your family, friends, and your career.

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet." - - James Oppenheim, short-story writer, novelist, poet

The key to happiness
The secret to happiness is not to get what you want, but to want what you already have. If you think about it, most discontent grows from want. We want more stuff, more excitement, more pleasure. When we don't get those things, we're resentful and unsatisfied. Take away the want, and you take away the unhappiness. When your quality of life is tied to your desires, fulfillment is a shadow that escapes your view. Like trying to imagine a new color, the harder you look, the harder it is to see. Does this mean you stop setting goals and striving for a healthy lifestyle and better life? No. It means you can appreciate life regardless of the outcome. It means you can relish the pursuit while accepting the possibility of failure. It means you can still enjoy the ride. Happiness is not a destination--it's a way of life.

This kind-of stuff just blows me away.  It happens to me a lot with reoccuring messages.  Many times it will happen to people through music.  You'll be going through something and you'll be thinking about it... and the next song that plays seems like it was written just for you.  It's wild!  And it makes me feel so eternally grateful and blessed.

My point is to tell you what happened to me yesterday.  I had two of the awesome incidences.  Like I mentioned in my previous post, I've been working on my family ancestry.  Remember that when I tell the story.  So the story goes... Dancer and I went to the library in between dance classes last night.  As we were checking out, I noticed a stack of books behind the librarian.  The book right on top was called, "Finding your family on the internet:  The ultimate guide to online family history research." So I asked the librarian if they were available for check out and yes, they were.  This is brand new arrival book... not even scheduled to be put out on the floor until this Friday the 7th!

The second incidence also started at the library.  I had planned on checking out the book, "How to win friends and influence people", so while I was in that section, I thought I'd look and see what other kinds of books were in that same subject area.  I ran across this book called, "Out of the box for life: being free is just a choice".  It seemed to fit my area of interest, so I checked it out.  Then a bit later after getting home from Dancer's dance class, I turned on the tube... watched SVU and then started to flip around (because there doesn't seem to be anything on at 10pm but the news) and ran across Oprah.  She was having the author of "Eat Pray Love" on again.  I watched her first show with the author a month or so back.  I loved it, so I decided to watch this one.  Great show... I must read the book... but back to the story.  So sometime during the show, Oprah mentions the part in the Wiz of Oz where in the end Glenda tells Dorothy that she's always had the power to go home... the power was inside her.  So forward to the end of the show... I decided to take out some of the books I brought home, picked up the "Out of the box" book and started reading and what should happen to be on the first page!  Here it is quoted from the book, *In many ways, we are all like Dorothy in the Wiz of Oz, searching all over to find our way home.  Although she didn't realize it, all Dorothy had to do was click her heels three times to get there.  She always had the power.  She just didn't know it.*  *Like Dorothy, you probably never dreamed that getting home to your true self could be so simple.*

WOW! WOW! WOW!  Yep, I feel eternally grateful and blessed!

MySpace, MyFamily & Facebook... oh, my

Lots has happened since I last posted.  My last post was about all of the APers in my area... well, we ended up making our get togethers weekly.  We've missed the past few weeks because of illness and just plain holiday business... but it's been great meeting with all of the on a regular basis.  It helps to keep us sane in this community.

I've been spending much time on MySpace, MyFamily and Facebook, keeping in touch with friends and family.  I've been doing my family ancestry (along with my sister) and I just love feeling the ties to my family's past.  One line of my family has been researched all the way back to the 1600s, that just blows my mind.  I suspect that I'll have to jump into learning about the fashions, cultures, and way of life of the past... just to feel closer to my past.

A Great Day with Friends

We had the best day yesterday.  I set up a get-together with the group of AP (attachment parenting) families that I know (most of us homeschoolers [all of us very eclectic or unschoolers])... one of the families isn't of homeschooling age yet... they are leaning towards it.  By the time that decision rolls around, I have a feeling that's what they'll choose. We met at the free day at the zoo.  We ate lunch then played on the play ground until everyone arrived.  Then spent some time in the zoo.

We all just had a blast.  The mom's and dad got to chat and catch up and the kids got to run and play.  I got to meet one family that I've been wanting to meet for over a year now (Morgans) and the biggest surprise was that my friend Karen and her kids came.  We haven't seen them since March.  It was so good to see her and catch up with her.  She's one of my dearest soul friends and is such a blessing to me and to this world.

We are truly blessed to have this handful of families in our lives and in this area of all places.

Frying my brain

Who new that this was possible.  But it's exactly what's happened and it's not as fun.  So what's this new way of frying my brain?  Reading... that's what.  And not just reading some lame ol' fiction book or some girly mag... but some really tough sh*t.  I've been diving into religions of the world and spiritual books.  I've been reading old classics like "Walden"... which let me tell you is tough to read.  No one writes like that anymore.  But the message is fabulous so I push through.

Then there's the fact that I feel like I've been hit with vertigo stemming from having the religious rug pulled out from under me.  It's a strange feeling to change the way you see things.  Knowing that the truth isn't *out there* but it's *in here*... yet, still having to take baby steps to trust that knowledge because it's such a new revelation and experience.

So all of this new input is frying my brain.  It's so much to process.  I've never used my brain in quite this way before.  I've actually taken the last week and just vegged-out to give myself a break from some of it.  I watched a lot of good movies and am catching up on the past seasons of Medium (on of my favorite shows) before the new season starts in January.

So much to do

It seems to most that I have abandoned my blog (or just neglected it).  That's not the case.  I go through periods of time when I am internalizing my world and haven't sorted it out enough to blog about it.  I could be like some of those lame blogs that list bunches of links in their posts, like that somehow makes up for them not giving us their thoughts and feelings on life.  But I'm not one of those types of bloggers.

So what's been keeping me from sorting out my thoughts?  Well, I've been very active on some of my yahoo groups.  (You have no idea how long it can take to read through some of those emails... ok, maybe some of you have an idea.)  Especially the UGJ group.  I've been working on pimping out my MySpace page and helping other friends get theirs set up.  I've been reading tons.  Mostly memoirs and books on different world religions.

I've been on a very unnerving spiritual journey lately.  I've been questioning everything I was brought up to believe.  Don't get me wrong, Jesus is still my foundation but everything else is questionable.  Part of this has been my drive to study other world religions.  Not to find a new religion but to further my spiritual growth and enlightenment.  I believe there is much to be learned in other religions.

So that seems to be why I haven't posted anything since the beginning of the month.  I'm still trying to sort out a bunch of stuff.

Going Vegetarian

So here I am, a few days after 12 days of fasting.  I'm working back into food again slowly.  Mostly toast, whole grain crackers and fruit along with with juice and veggie broth.  How you break a fast is just as important as the fasting itself.  It actually could be more important because you don't want to undo all of the good you've done.  And I'll say it again.... DON'T FAST UNTIL YOU'VE RESEARCHED IT!  Being that it releases stored toxins into your blood stream... you can overload your body if you don't know what you're doing.  Short fasts are better than long fasts for those just starting out.

So, to stay on the path to a healthy lifestyle and to lessen my stamp on the world, I want to go vegetarian.  So I'm looking for input on websites and books that will help with the transition.  I'm looking for easy-breezy healthy recipes because I don't do much cooking and don't really like to cook.  But I'd like variety because I don't want to eat the same things all of the time.

Detoxing from Church

As I was cleaning out my email inbox yesterday I came across an article that someone had posted on UGJ. I'm definitely in that detox stage. I've just recently run screaming from church. There's so much hypocrisy there. I've been closer to God since leaving church because there's none of that mess clouding my relationship with him. I've even been looking online for more information about leaving the Church. There's some very interesting reads out there. I haven't given up my faith but I'll take it without the religion, please!

Link to 'Detoxing from Church' Article

You might also want to read Prayer Is Not a Weapon Against Another Believer, and Other Rantings just in case you're wanting to pray for me that my eyes will be opened. Believe me, baby, my eyes get more open everyday! Open to the truth and the hypocrisy.

So your kids haven't won the spelling bee...

This voice came through the Unschooling Basics group a few days ago and I really like it. (Reposted with permission.)

So your kids haven't won the spelling bee, enrolled in college at 12 and found a cure for cancer? You are not hosting cow milking lessons while wearing your denim jumper? You and the kids did not build your home from the plans on the back of a cereal box?

And, yet, some of us manage to unschool. :)

A dear unschooling friend and I joke that nobody really suspects what we are up to. We look so white bread suburban it is ridiculous. She's driving around in her minivan and me in my (very used :) ) Volvo station wagon. The kids are being carted to this event or that activity. DH's both go to work and we Moms stay home. How "Leave It To Beaver" could we look?? :)

But the secret is that what things look like from the outside is not what matters.

My kids are being carted to things they chose! For instance.

When we are at home, we are not sitting around the kitchen table crunching math worksheets. We are online or DS is gaming or DH and DD are puttering in the yard or we are lounging with whatever book we picked up at the library or. . . etc. . . just glorious everyday life. In a loving home with mutual support.

We have not built any rocket ships in the kitchen sink but we do what we want to do and are happily unschooling. And you can too! :)

-Nance Confer

Homemade Tattoo Paint!

Joanne at An Unschooling Life posted this yesterday: Homemade Tattoo Paint.

That looks like so much fun! We'll be trying it soon and I'll post pictures of our creations. :)

Fasting... Day 8

I've been juice fasting for 8 days now. My summer cold was the catalyst for it, as having a cold in the summer really sucks. Because I had been sick for almost 2 weeks and hadn't eaten much, I thought it would be a good time to go right into the fast because my hunger pangs wouldn't be so bad. Usually the first 3 days of a fast are the toughest but because I hadn't eaten much over the past few weeks, it wasn't too bad.

I don't recommend fasting for anyone unless you've done some good reading on it. You'll get many differences of opinions on styles of fasting and how to fast... being it with water or juice... or ways to help with the colon elimination or not. I've read many things on the internet and in books. Two books I would recommend are "How to Keep Slim, Health & Young with Juice Fasting" by Dr. Paavo Airola and "The Miracle of Fasting" by Paul and Patricia Bragg.

I haven't had to use any artificial means to clean my colon... my system is still working... although many people will lose that urge when they fast. Some of the best advice on this is in Dr. Airola's book.

I used my juicer for the first time yesterday. I've had it for years but never used it. My DH picked up some collared greens and turnip greens the other day at the store... so I juiced some of those and added it to the veggie juice I had. Strong but very good.

I have so much more energy now. I feel lighter on my feet. My head is clear and even my vision seems brighter. My constant back pain has lessoned to the point where it's almost pain-free. I have lost a few pounds... assuming that some of those pounds were lost during the weeks when I was sick. It's at 5.5 lbs so far. I don't own a scale, but they weigh me when I donate plasma (which I did yesterday). So between 6/8 and 6/26, I've lost those lbs... not bad and not too fast either. I'll know the fast is ready to be completed when the fuzz on my tongue goes away.

After I complete this fast, I will be focusing on staying to a healthy (as we know... vegetarians can be unhealthy if they are eating junk in place of meat) vegetarian diet... with fish every now and then. I'd like to eventually go vegan... with fish. I don't believe animal dairy should be in our diets. It just causes too many problems.

For Goodness Sakes, Relax!

One of the questions for the July edition of Unschooling Voices is: what advice would you have given to yourself early in your unschooling journey?

My answer is... RELAX!

Sure is easy to say and much harder to do. There's so many questions and unknowns. So many worries about whether or not we're doing the right thing. Will they learn what they need to learn without a curriculum... without being forced to learn it. It takes a lot of trust and faith to let go of the "school" mentality.

If your kids have been in the school system give yourselves lots and lots of time to deschool. Yes, you, too! You need time to let go of those old ideas of what schooling and education is. It's time to take a perminant vacation from school.

Embrace the freedom! Just let go! Relax!

AND get mentored by other unschoolers! Yahoo and Facebook groups are a great way to do that. You will find people who will help you to challenge your long held beliefs about the way things *should be* when it comes to life and learning.

Unschooling Works

Now, I know I don't have to convince any unschoolers of this but it's still fabulous to hear and see it working. I've been meaning to blog about this for some time but haven't gotten around to it. This happened a few month ago...

Just to give you a background first... Dancer went to public school from K-3 grade and after leaving the system (2005) she HATED reading and she didn't think she was any good at reading. She still had her own books of things that interested her, like animals, weather, and the human body. When we would go to the library, she would only check out books about those things. She wouldn't have anything to do with me suggesting books about other things that she was interested in and a fiction book... well, forget it, there was no way.

So a few months ago, as we were heading to the checkout counter at the library, she looked at me and said, "I'm a really good reader if I can read stuff I'm interested in." Man, she just had a "light bulb" moment! WooHoo! I just said, "Yes, you're right."

The next week we went back and as she headed to the animal section (mainly the big cats and wolves section), I mentioned to her that she had lots of interests and that it was ok to branch out and see what else was there that she would like to read or get a video about. I could just see the light grow in her eyes. She brought home so much stuff that day that I had to tell her that she couldn't bring the whole library home... that we could come back and get more. :)

Now I can make suggestions to her on topics that may interest her and she doesn't "fight" me on it. I can reminder her about things she's told me she wants to know more about and she doesn't get mad.

Ever since then, when we go to the library, she finds the most amazing things. She never really needs my help to find it either. We go at least once a week... sometimes more. She's even checked out fiction books and joined a book discussion group. She's fallen in-love with this series of books about warrior cats (given to her as a gift for Christmas). These are pretty big books for her and she gets through them in 2 days. She's hoping to get the next installments in the series for her birthday which is coming up next month.

It took Dancer almost 2 years to deschool! 2 years! 2 years of deschooling for 4 years of public school. That's really, really sad to me. Thank you God for leading me to unschooling! Thank you to all of my unschooling mentors, who helped me to see that you can't just tip-toe into unschooling.... jumping in is the only way. I haven't forced anything on Dancer since we started unschooling... but it took her almost 2 years to trust that I wasn't going to... 2 years to trust the freedom. And the freedom is truly amazing!

Religion as a prerequisite

We went to our hope-to-be annual end of the year homeschool park day yesterday. I had a great time talking to the other moms. I got to catch up with a few that I already know and met quite a few new people, too.

I got talking to one mom about TJEd (A Thomas Jefferson Education), which is something that I've recently been introduced to. I tried to explain it in as plain of terms as I could without going overboard (as it really is very similar to unschooling). My point here is not to discuss TJEd but to mention what came to me last night at work as I was thinking about the small conversation that I had with this other mom.

Is it right to say you don't like someone because their "religion"? When I first mentioned TJEd in this conversation, the first thing that was said was "I don't like Thomas Jefferson, he was a humanist". Well, OK, but the book isn't about TJ and whether or not he was a humanist... it's about leadership education... it's about believing that everyone is born with genius and how to bring that out in them. Then there was something said to the effect of "TJ was a humanist but he agreed with Christian morals and views". Again, the book isn't about TJ, but about self-education and getting off the conveyer-belt.

So, as I was thinking at work last night about this conversation, I ended up being focused on the oddity of not liking someone just because of their "religion" or lack there of. Is someone's "religion" a prerequisite for being their friend or foe? Is this the first thing you ask someone when you meet them? Do you just assume that they are going to agree with you? I found it very odd to say "I don't like TJ because he's a humanist". What about all of his other qualities? What about the man he was? What about the leader he was?

And now, as I'm thinking about the comment, "TJ was a humanist but he agreed with Christian morals and views". Well, as I know, those morals and views run through as a foundation of many, many "religions". They began before Christianity did. Many people who are not Christians believe in moral integrity, goodness, family values, etc. These values didn't begin with or end with Christ. Many "religions" study and follow Jesus' teachings but don't believe he is the begotten son of God.

I guess I just find this prerequisite so strange and limiting. Although, I have my "religious" foundation and belief system... I don't put God in a box like that. I don't put myself or my child in a box like that. I believe goodness is of God and God will use all of his children (as we are all his children), Christian beliefs or not, to the better good of humanity. These ideas and "beliefs" of mine are where I tend to butt heads with many people around me (as I am gratefully and sometimes not so gratefully in an area much of the Bible belt). God is way more than I could ever know or comprehend and I refuse to put him in some nice little box of conformity. I refuse to limit my world and my mind to ideas that are outside of the box. I seek knowledge and ideas of all areas of thought and philosophy and then break that against the God that I know and love.

I may come across ideas and views that do not mesh with who I am or what I believe but that doesn't mean I should not study them. I should for the purpose of knowing why I don't agree with them. Should we not study Marx, Stalin, Hitler and Hussien because of the evil they brought into this world? Absolutely not! We SHOULD study them not only to see how their minds worked but to try to grasp how these men managed to bring whole nations of people to their way of thinking and to destroy large groups of people who opposed them! We cannot ignore evil and ignorance! It was ignored in Germany by many people and look what happened, a man like Hitler took over and spread evil wherever he went.

So, I guess, once again, I am frustrated with the "religious" box.

Summer Activities are Here

I sure did enjoy my few weeks off from my Dancer's activities but alas, the summer one's have started. She's taking tennis lessons a few mornings a week and the swim lessons four evenings a week. Those are just the few she's signed up for... there are also the intermittent ones here and there.

I have so much to blog about, I've been introduced to new people and new concepts over the past few weeks and I really need to find time to sit down, collect my thoughts and then blog them.

My wrist has started to heal. It still starts throbbing when I overuse it or when I put too much pressure on it. But I can type with two hands again, so that's a plus.

We had a pretty relaxed day. Dancer spent most of the day reading and watching Grease for the first time. I went to donate plasma and I suspect that Dancer played on the computer a bit while I was gone. We'll be heading out here shortly to go to swim lessons... I know I wouldn't want to be in that water, It's only 75 degrees out there now.

At least it's not broken

I fell. Yep, I fell. I fell on Sunday at Dodger's family reunion and jammed my wrist. I could have sworn that I had broken a bone with how swollen it got and the horrible pain I was in. I can't say for sure that it isn't broken but it has gotten considerably better since Sunday. Almost all of the swelling in my fingers is gone. My wrist is still puffy and tender but I do have more movement in it before I feel pain.

Typing with one hand is annoying so I'm going to stop now.

On Becoming Me

So, I have lots of ideas about what I believe about things. I can be pretty opinionated and abrasive (just ask some of the homeschoolers in the area that I've already managed to piss off in the 2 years we've been homeschooling... LOL). Yet as I sit here and read through other blogs, I realize just how much more growing I still need to do.

It's not that I'm finding fault in who I am right now, it's just that I see where I can move and grow and I want to get to it as soon as possible. I know that my growth will take place at my own speed and in God's timing but I can stop myself from impeding my growth. I can be open to new ideas and opinions. I can be unafraid to be myself even when I know many people don't "get" me.

I'm happy with where I am and excited to see where I'm going.

This is just a thanks to all of you out there who are evolved thinkers... thanks for expanding my horizons.

WTF is Wrong with People!

While surfing through some of the great secular homeschool blogs out there, I saw Doc's post about an atheist family having to homeschool after what their daughter went through at a public school.

An Atheist Family Sues an Oklahoma Town for Violating Separation of Church and State

I read the article and all I could think was WTF! If that is Christianity then I don't want any part of it! A Christian by definition is someone who follows the teachings of Jesus Christ. And what is done in the name of Christianity just sickens me!

It becomes harder and harder for me to say I'm a Christian when I know what that's become! This is the shit that I'm trying to distance myself from! Damn, the world is really F'd up when I can relate more to secular humanists than to other Christians!

Can all Christians please grow up! Can you all look at the three fingers pointing back at you when you've got your nasty little finger pointing at someone else! Could ya go back to your Bible's and tell me where in the hell it says to treat other people this way?!

Top 10 Roadblocks to Your Success

Success means different things to different people. Success takes time, planning and a strong desire. Success is taking action. Success is setting goals and accomplishing them. Success means reaching your goals even when the going gets tough.

There will be challenges along the way. Here are ten potential roadblocks to look out for:

1. No clear vision
The clearer your vision is of your definition for success, the faster you will achieve it.

2. Fear of failure
Don't let worry, fear and uncertainty hold you back from reaching your full potential. Eliminate the Bummer Words - no, never, can't, won't, maybe and if.

3. Lack of determination
Turn challenges into a problems that need to be overcome. Don't let a challenge become a stopping point on your path to success.

4. No action plan
Write a detailed, step-by-step plan of how you will achieve your success. Include a timetable for completion, and place the written strategy where you can read it, every day.

5. Change
You will have to make adjustments in your life to focus on reaching the success you want. For example: What current priorities on your time will have to be changed? Are you surrounded by people who can help you succeed?

6. Negative thinking
Everyone has some self-doubt. However, these two questions will help you. Ask yourself everyday: 1. Did I give my best effort to today's activities? 2. Did I move closer to reaching my goals?

7. Lack of enthusiasm
Be the day's cheerleader. All days are good; some are better than others. You will find enthusiasm is contagious; give some to others.

8. Procrastination
You can have the best plan in the world, but if you don't take action on it you simply have a dream. Are self-motivated, or do you need external motivation from someone else? Determine which method of motivation works for you. Take action.

9. Making excuses
Take personal responsibility for your success by eliminating excuses. Avoid blaming others for your lack of effort.

10. Learn from your mistakes
Everyone makes them. Successful people learn extremely valuable life lessons from their mistakes.
These roadblocks can actually become stepping stones to your success. How? By identifying which ones are holding you back from reaching your goals, and diligently working to eliminate them.
This is Your Life! Your Goals! Your Success!

YOU ARE A WINNER!

Ideas for Implementation:

• Highlight one potential roadblock and work for one week to turn in into a positive.
• Continue the process through the entire list, each week highlighting a new potential roadblock.
• Repeat as needed. Please visit www.TeachingMoments.com for more life skills ideas to help children succeed.

Reprinted with permission. www.TeachingMoments.com

April 27 2007

Had a huge fight with Dodger today. I just couldn't hold back my anger any longer. He hasn't worked all week and has done absolutely nothing around the house.

I've taken on his Sears debt under my name and I'm so scared that he's going to screw me over.

A Small Update

As I look back, I really feel no shame in the fact that I haven't kept up with my blog. We've settled into our unschooling life and I have left behind the need to be the unschooling guru or the flaming advocate.

I've begun to use FlyLady to get our home and lives in order. I use her as it fits into our family personality. We all have a tendency to put things off and fly by the seat of our pants... we are all very creative thinkers and it tends to let things slide. So we needed some backbone to our lives. This is all God's leading... some structure (although loosely... too much crushes us into a tiny box and that's not cool) and responsibility.

We've (Dancer and I) have put together a loose "learning" schedule. There's no set work just daily guides to keep us on track with what we choose to study. Dancer deschooled for about a year and a half... and she's really excited to be in control of some structure to her learning. She's been learning all this time... she loves gaming, animals, and info about the states. But sometimes she'll come to me with stuff she wants more info about and either I or both of us will forget and not get around to getting stuff about it. So this daily schedule will help us to remember to stay focused on these self-directed studies.

I will be more active in blogging as time allows. :)

March 2 2007

So here I am awake with little sleep. I can't sleep...too much crap running through my head. Went to dinner and a movie with Sarah last night. It was a good time. She's going on a date tonight (first in six years) and I am thrilled for her. I'm just wondering why I'm the friend that was the last to know.

I hate being the last-to-know friend. Am I that friend because my excitement doesn't show through the seriousness that is my personality? It just sucks that I'm not first on anyone's list. She only invites me to "family" things now because I got upset one time before after I found out Deria was invited. I wonder, what do these other friends have that I don't have?

I'm sure a lot of this neurosis stems from what Shawn did to me... it's a horrible thing what she did. I still can't believe she was capable of it.

And to top my evening off, Dodger left me hangin' in bed...two days in a row.

So here I am... I can't freaking' sleep. I'm so tired...and I'm angry and hurt over my relationships. I don't know why I continue to invest emotionally in people...it seems so much easier to just shut down. But I know when I shut down that I stop growing...and I don't want to stop that part of my life.

I just wonder, when do I get to be first in someone's thoughts and actions?

March 1 2007

 "Abstinence is the easiest thing I have ever done." - Voices of Recovery, p. 61

I have found this to be true but it's only been easy since I turned complete control of my life and my over to God. Complete control! I spent years trying to fix myself only to have my life continue to spiral out of control. I never got control...I still don't...God does. Everyday I ask him, "How can I serve you today?" Everyday, he shows me a way.

February 24 2007

God, I see the changes you are making in my. Please continue to change me as only you can. Show me everyday how I can serve you. I praise you for all you have done for me. Thank you for your thoughtful reminders everyday for how I should live my life. Amen.

Worked tonight. Dancer slept over at mom's since they are going to Mathew's party tomorrow.

I was seeking more God-time tonight, so I started a devotional called, "Lord, only you can change me," by Kay Arthur.

February 22 2007

Good day today.

Dodger fixed my brakes and will be fixing bars on my tires Saturday. It will be nice to dive my car without it shaking.

Sorted out a bunch of paper clutter in my room today. I can see most of my floor now. Still loving FlyLady and thank God for bringing me to the place where I was ready to do it.

February 21 2007

"I pray that I may always seek God's help to move towards the most harmonious relations with others." - Voices of Recovery, p. 52

The house is becoming peaceful thanks to working the FlyLady method.

My alignment is really bad in my car right now. I may have to borrow the money from Dancer to get it fixed. The brakes also started acting up today. Praying that it's something that can be easily fixed.

Praise God for the positive changes in my life!

February 20 2007

"My life is not made by the dreams that I dream but by the choices that I make."

"When we're involved in serving and meeting others' needs, we're imitating Jesus in thoughts and words and deeds." - Fitzhugh

Not much time to work in my Fly Zone today... ran Dancer back and forth to dance and then had to work. Dancer stayed over at dad's tonight because Dodger was at a concert.

The Fly routines are really helping me. Small, simple steps that help me to focus during my day.

February 19 2007

"Each day that we live well, we are well." - Voices of Recovery, p. 50

It was an early morning with Mya coming over (President's Day--no school). I went to bed at midnight but couldn't sleep past 6am. So I'm pooped out and in a lot of pain from work tonight.

I got grouchy when I got home because (1) Dodger had come home from work before 3pm (while we were bowling) and went to sleep on my bed, which meant that I didn't have a chance to put the sheets on the bed before work, and (2) the dishes weren't done and there were pans in the sink. I've asked that the dishes not be put in the sink so when the sink needs to be used, stuff isn't in the way.

I'm seriously going to put the FlyLady program to use but I see it's going to take some time for it to become a habit for Dodger and Dancer.

It just pissesme off that he'll bitch about the house but not do the simple things I ask to keep stuff clean. He's a bigger slob than he thinks he is.

It's 1:40am on the 20th and I'm pooped. Going to finish the OA reading for today and go to bed. My nice clean bed with my nice clean sink in the other room!

Sweet Sister

Sweet sister of mine
So many shared memories
We've been to the moon and back

I love you to pieces

We're so far away
Yet you're always near in my heart

You're the only one who get me
The only one who truly cares

what crazy, wild thoughts

run through my head

You're my truest, dearest friend
Never afraid to tell me like it is
We've got history
So many shared memories
You mean the world to me

Escape

My escape has become my prison

We came together to escape together

Now we're trying to escape from each other

(I found this snippet of a poem while going through old paper journals. I posted it here for posterity.)

February 4 2007

 My eating is the worst at night, after the day winds down, and I'm alone with my thoughts and alone with my pain. That's when the urge to binge becomes overwhelming.

The worst part is I feel totally alone in life. I really feel like no one understands me at all.

"We cannot think ourselves into good action, but we can act ourselves into good thinking." - OA

"Don't eat, no matter what -- put down the food and pick up the steps." - OA

January 23 2007

 So after Dodger chose not to support me at Christmas...and I got even more upset and hurt than I've ever been with him...he reluctantly apologize but now I basically don't exist.

I try to talk to him and give some form of affection but get next to nothing in return.

Why is my life so painful?

What did I do wrong to deserve such shit in my life?

How do you heal when people keep hurting you at the deepest level?

What comforts the pain if I stop using food for that?