Growing Spiritually

"I cannot grow spiritually by myself. A seed had to be planted in my heart, and for that seed to grow, it had to be nourished daily with prayer, devotion, and meditation. If I feed myself every day, I will grow spiritually just like the flower. In time, I will blossom into a beautiful, soft, colorful person." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

It took me time to realize this point...that in order for me to continue to grow in the program of recovery, I had to grow spiritually, and I couldn't do this by myself. I needed God's help. I was afraid of trusting God to help me. I wanted to do it on my own, at least then, if I failed it would be on me, and I could only be angry at myself. I tried every which way grow spiritually without God. I thought I could think myself into spiritual growth...that maybe the more I knew about myself, the more growth I would attain. I spent a full two years in this program trying to do spiritual growth my way. A few months ago, I stopped running from God and finally gave in and leaned into this work with God. God has been chasing me down for years, and I've been running away...and, when I think about it, this is what I've always wanted...to know and believe that I'm worth the chase. I was just so angry about everything, I wasn't yet ready to give up that anger and give up wanting everyone, including myself, to suffer for not being able to fill up that deep dark pit inside me. I knew what I wanted, I just had a misguided understanding of where to find the thing that would fill me up. So, I tried to fill it with food. Now, I understand what I was looking for was in building a relationship with God. I'm finally learning that I can trust God, and I'm excited to experience what God has for me--what growth I can experience next through each struggle and the joy I can find in this connection with God, which includes what He brings to me through my fellows. Thank you, God, for never giving up on me.