Faith...

• to walk out of my self-confinement and into the Lord's waiting arms
• to trust my gut and not my feelings
• to follow through with actions
• to walk through the fire
• to look past the fear
• to trust without reservation
• belief in the positive

February 12, 2005

 Accept...

Funny work that is...

p. 4 Voices of Recovery

Who do I not accept just as they are right now? The one who deserves acceptance the most. If I can't accept hem, how will he ever believe that God accepts him just as he is.

I must study, meditate, and pray on acceptance.

February 10, 2005

Today's reading in Voices of Recovery (p. 41) was exactly what I needed to hear. I've been worried and scared about homeschooling and being able to make enough money to support us at the same time.

"Why fear strikes my heart, I remember that fear and faith cannot dwell in the same place at the same time."

"When I hear myself or other people, places, or things, it reminds me to concentrate on faith."

"For me, that means more surrender, more prayer, and more meditation."

"It's so easy to quit when you're in the middle. When you're in the middle, temptations are great." - Starting Over

Fear has always held me back. I've never felt adequate. So, I never finish what I start.

I am not a quitter! No more, ever again!

Saturday Judgement

 Wow, it's been a crazy week on the team chat. Everyone feeling judged and pushed by Christy's words, especially me with what was said in our emails. She did finally see how she came across with the help of her husband and from Kelley.

Why did her judgements bring that out in me? Though I reacted well until the last email...where that time it was more of a 'how dare you judge me; you don't know me or my history.'

Judgements hurt...Why? Because I'm judged most by the people who should just accept me for who I am. Pain from the attitudes and judgements from my mom and her side of the family. Being them...I would have retreated, binged (most likely), and said nothing.

With Dodger...I would have been screaming at the top of my lungs that 'you don't ever LISTEN to what I say. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I'm not playing any games...Just Listen to Me.'

My anger is safer to let out with Dodgers...or is it? I don't let it out well at all.

I haven't been very pleasant to be around lately. I haven't been binging or abusing food...haven't been eating my triggers. So what do I do with the feelings? What do I do with the anger? What do I do with the scariest one of all, the rage?

Well, it just came to me...I could give it go God. Because he can handle it; I can't right now. I internalize so much. I've always been keyed into emotions that way. Feeling other people's pain hurts me. Yet helping others helps me; it helps me heal.