February 28 2020

At lunch, I was very intentional about pace and behavior of putting down fork between bites. I was a little too full. At dinner, there were no issues. I kept intentional behavior. It's not yet 'natural' but it's better each time. I did think about how good ti would feel to take the leftover pasta in the fridge and binge. I was super tired after a VERY LONG DAY.

February 27 2020

At lunch, I started off the first few bites without thinking, then caught myself and told myself to slow down and pause. At dinner, I felt rushed because of time needed to get to bed for 4:30am wake-up. I still followed behavioral definition of abstinence.

My Abstinence

So, my new sponsor has been having me work on developing my definition of abstinence (the OA version of sober)... basically the behaviors that I will label "this is abstinence for me."

 
So far, I've come up with that it's a mindful way of eating. If/when I'm in a binge, there's nothing mindful about what, how much, or the pace at which I'm eating.

 
So, right now, I've identified that l will put the fork/spoon down between each bite or when I'm eating something that doesn't require utensils, I will pull my hand away from my face or put the food item down between each bite.

 
I also think it's important that I mindfully taste my food. So, I've been more aware of how my food tastes and that I chew each bite fully before putting another in my mouth.

 
Additionally, I've also found it more mindful to look up from whatever it is that I'm eating. As if I were carrying on a conversation with someone over dinner, even if I'm eating alone.
It's a pause. It's creating space. It's intentional. It's mindful.

 
Doing this has been very interesting and very helpful as there are times when I'm in a rush due to my crazy schedule and the rush makes me feel like my eating is binging, when it's not. Developing my behavioral definition of abstinence (mindful behaviors) helps me be able to better track what's happening when I'm feeling like binging versus when I'm just feeling rushed due to my schedule.

So Over Snow

The roads weren't the worst they've been, but they weren't great. The tops I got was just under 50 mph. I found a car to get behind and just followed their lead. Slow down, speed up, whatever. I just wasn't passing anyone. The passing lane was worse. It's always worse. Made it only 15 minutes late to work.

Wall Talk

 

February 25 2020

At lunch, I had a full tray between all the small bowls and the salad plate. Putting the fork down between each bite adds time to eating. It was an interesting experience...very mindful. At dinner, I noticed or was concerned that the potatoes would be a struggle (comfort food)...the jury is still out. No problems with maintaining abstinent behaviors.

Learning Day

 

February 24 2020

At breakfast, I wasn't mindful of pausing while eating...didn't feel rushed or lacking abstinence. At lunch, I caught myself after three bites not being mindful...paused after each bite after that. At dinner, I was emotional from group internship. I made sure that I put down my fork and spoon between each bite and paused (saying 'pause' in my mind).

February 23 2020

At breakfast, I felt a little odd to consciously take a breath between each bite. At lunch, I felt a loss let odd to breathe between bites...a little more comfortable.

February 22 2020

I didn't have a neutral dinner. Smoking weed was an issue with control and mindfulness.

February 20 2020

I had a counseling session with my counselor Matt. At lunch, I was physically hungry and neutral when eating. At dinner, I was neutral when eating. I could have been more mindful.

February 19 2020

At lunch, I was way too hungry and felt like I ate too many 'sugary' carb-laden things...but I really didn't eat a lot. At dinner, I ate too much...result of smoking weed. I ate even when not really tasting the food--like my tastebuds weren't responsive. Plus, I had client stuff sticking with me.

February 18 2020

I didn't eat any breakfast. At lunch, I had no feelings around food but had seconds of broccoli salad and bread...which I worried about. At dinner, I was pretty neutral even though I had just paid bills, and money tends to trigger me. Cookies were fine...not too sweet and didn't feel too much.

February 17 2020

During dinner, I was slightly emotional and slightly hurried. The discussion during group supervision was quite intense.

The rest of the day, I was mostly neutral around food.

February 16 2020

Noon: A little bit of anxiety about what I need to get done today. While eating, I started to think about how I was eating...fast/slow; did I put my fork down between bites; should I 'pray' before eating/during eating? There's some worry/fear about 'doing it right' and not trusting myself.

5pm: I ate during study break. I felt mostly calm and stress-free. I was more mindful of putting the fork down between bites.

Dinnertime: I was stressed about the flu outbreak at Gateway. I became more stressed and feeling guilty for calling off because of the flu outbreak. Eating did feel like it could turn into compulsive eating at any moment.