Every Kiss

with every kiss

my heart grows colder

you have no feelings for me

so why should I feel for you

you don't believe in love

so I will close my heart to you

I won't let myself love you

I will try to cut out

that part of my heart

that longs for you to love me

I thought it would be safe

to let you in

I can't love you

I can't feel for you

because you never will for me

January 14, 1992

B's memory is beginning to haunt me. Yesterday night, before Dodger came over I was listening to "Broken Arrow" in the dark, it got to me, I started bawling. I feel so much hate for him because he left me. I know I started it all but I didn't expect to have that protective blanket ripped off my body leaving me out in the cold. I'm glad Dodger was there (and still is). I wouldn't be here now if he wasn't there for me to fall on. I'm very confused about how I should be feeling now. B is eating me up inside and I feel it's starting to show through. Dodger notices the littlest things and changes in me. I'm not sure if I want to put on an act for him. I know he doesn't love me the littlest bit so I'm not sure of how I should feel about him. I'm afraid of looking like an idiot if I let him know I'm falling for him (I think he might already know but I won't admit it to him). I will really hate myself (and despise him) if I do him. I don't know how he can hold me like he does and not feel anything. With every kiss he gives me my heart grows colder because of this fact. Nothing about him gives me any clue as to how he feels.

I've just been thinking, one thing that scares me the most is someone telling me that mom, dad, or Kara has died in some sort of accident. I feel my life is of no use to me now, if that ever happened I would not live any longer. My life would be over.