Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Heat Wave

It is sooooo hot here that I insisted that Dodger NOT work!  The heat index has been 109-114 all week.  It's crazy.  I LOVE the heat but even I don't like this.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Quote: Is it Essential

“Most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time, and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, ‘Is this necessary?” – Marcus Aurelius

Monday, July 18, 2011

Quote on Manners

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."
—Emily Post

Friday, July 15, 2011

We have fabulous co-op classes this fall

We have fabulous co-op classes this fall! I'm so excited!

Dancer is taking two classes from one of her friend's mom... "Be a Problem-Solving Genius" ... on tackling math word problems, and Economics.  She's also taking a Drawing and Cartooning class that's being taught by one of the homeschool dads who is a colorist for one of the major comic book companies.

Also ran to the homeschool book sale today... to see if there were some goodies there.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Excited for the journey ahead

I am I am grateful for where my journey has brought me and excited for the journey ahead. It was hard to write that post because I still hurt for the girl I once was... yet eternally grateful for the strong woman that I have become. It's still a journey and it's not always perfect... just love the person next to you... you never know what they might be going through. and excited for the journey ahead. It was hard to write that post because I still hurt for the girl I once was... yet eternally grateful for the strong woman that I have become. It's still a journey and it's not always perfect... just love the person next to you... you never know what they might be going through.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sneaky Universe... You're Always Providing Me With the Answers

So within 30 from my last post, I see this post on Facebook from one of my favorite blogs... http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/04/11/16-harsh-truths-that-make-us-stronger/

When you ask... you receive, right?  Guess you just have to be asking the right questions and really, truly be ready for the answers.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Who am I?

So I finally got to spend some time with friends this weekend... after far too long.  I'll talk about my friend issues some other time.  I've got them and I know it has much to do with getting screwed over by my former BFF, Shawn.

But this post is about what came up during my conversation with Shanna this evening.  She was having a Scentsy Open House, which I always enjoy going to because I get so smell yummy smells but I also gives me a reason to visit... which is one of my most favorite things in the world to do.  There's nothing quite like spending time with someone who's heart you connect with... who you've chosen as extended family.

So anyway, we got talking about her husband's job and how he's not appreciated for the fabulous manager, honest person, and over-all fabulous person that he is.  That then got me talking about my horrid 6 years working for Kohl's... and that I let myself be used for far too long... only quiting after the job was making me physically ill and sending me into a serious depression.  She then mentioned how that all can really affect who you are as a person and you get to the point where you feel like you've lost yourself and who you are or were before it all... that those sort-of similar job situations have affected her that way over the years and she still hasn't quite "found" herself again.

My friends on my Yahoo Group could easily tell you that I've expressed the same things to them over the years.  I lost my creativity that I used to have.  I loved sewing and crafting at one time... even worked for 8-1/2 years in two jobs that kept me in the creative mindset nearly everyday... JoAnn Fabrics and Hobby Lobby.  It was during the 6 years at Kohl's that all of my creativity got sucked out of me.  I still haven't found it again.  I used to have a drive to create, and the HTML behind blogging and the digital art filled that need for awhile, but still, I find myself not quite passionate about it... not quite trusting myself in it anymore.  Like I've lost the assurance that that's what I'm good at... that that's "my thing".

I've also been feeling very useless these days.  Having nearly no drive to do anything.  I don't seem to give a shit about anything lately.  Sure, I've been focusing on the house... keeping Dodger appeased, I guess... but not loving it.  I'm not feeling my purpose in this life.  I can't really remember what I'm good at... what I enjoy... what makes me happy.  I'm wondering what the point of life is.  I see so much focus on being driven to succeed and yet I do not know what that means for me or what success is, really.

I've given up on the money aspect of my other blog... getting rid of the blog altogether.  My heart wasn't in it anymore... and a new law here regarding affiliates and taxes took the wind out of my sails.

I have been used by people far too long.  Always giving and giving of myself and my time and so very rarely getting anything in return.  Not expecting anything but hoping that out of my sharing that they would share, too, and I'm not getting that.  This is why I'm dropping out of helping run the homeschool co-op that I helped start.  It's been just a few of us doing all of the work and the other people not stepping up and doing their part... so, it seems, that in the end the co-op will cease to exist because so many of us are leaving the Board and no one else has stepped up to offer to keep it going.

So here I am... not even really knowing who I am anymore or what I'm good at or good for.  Wondering if I'll ever find out... or get back that drive and passion for something.  Still worrying about money... will anything I do ever be worth anything?  I'm just not sure and it makes me want to cry.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

365 Project... Out the Window

Yeah, I sort of said f-it to the 365 Project.  The winter was getting too long and I felt like I was taking a picture of the same damn thing everyday.  I do hope to pick my camera back up soon... if the weather outside would just warm the hell up already!

Recent Revelations

So here recently on the home-front, I came to the point of wanting to give up.  It seemed that nothing I did was good enough for Dodger.  I threw my hands up and went running to my online Yahoo Group community... my source of real and trusted online friends.  In a nutshell, I was like... "What am I going to do with him?  I can't take anymore.  How do I stop him from treating me this way?"

And through the questions that were then asked by my friends, I was able to talk through it and find out that the problem was really with me, not my husband.  I was finally able to put into words what I've felt for a long time... the reasons why this homemaker stuff never seemed to fit me... why I fought it all of these years.  Why I was unable to do the bare minimum that my husband was requesting of me so that he felt happy and comfortable in his own home.  It was because I didn't want to become my mother!  Yeah, I always sort-of knew it but I had never spelled it out... never was able to put a finger on just what that meant.

So here it is...

What being a homemaker meant to me {even though I can look at great homemakers like my friend Julie and LOVE what they do and want to be more like them} that you lost yourself and then you split up your family trying to find yourself.  THAT is what my mom did... my whole life I've been trying NOT to be like my mom.

So I told my friend Sarah this last weekend when Dancer and I were over at her place on Saturday... and she was like, "that's really deep."  Yeah, I know.... but more than that it was a HUGE breakthrough!  HUGE!  Know what's not hard anymore?... keeping the house in an ever tidy form.  It's not immaculate... I'm not Wonder Woman... but the floors are swept everyday, the dishes are done, I'm back to using my organizational index card system along with a few other things that keep me focused on things I want to get done.

Things have been more peaceful around here, for sure.  I'm still working on expressing my needs.  I'm still not feeling very nurtured by Dodger.  I'd like him to be more delicate with me... more romantic, flirty, um... I don't quite know the word I'm looking for here.  It just brings to mind that song by Jewel where she says, "Be careful with me.  I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sickly Blahs

I thought we were just about done with being sick and then Dancer spiked a fever last night and now I am feeling too warm. Blah. Please... summertime... I need you!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Happy Happy... Joy Joy

I awoke to the sound of the phone ringing next to me.  I guess I never put it back on the charger in the kitchen after talking with my dad last night.  So I franticly searched the side of my bed for where it was, looked at the caller ID... it said BEST BUY!... OMG!  So, of course I answered it!  Just as I answered, the answering machine kicked on {reminder... get the new digital answering system set up on your new phone} ... I had to ask them to hold on a second while the greeting played.  As soon as it was done... and during the beeps... the person on the other end of the line told me that my laptop was back!  I think I squealed.  LOL.

Trust me, I didn't wait long to get my ass out of bed, get cleaned up, and head out to pick up my very much missed laptop.  I also needed to pay the mortgage, so I did that while I was out, too.

What was wrong with it?  Well, they replaced the LCD screen.  How utterly stupid that a company can't even make a product that lasts more than a year... BUT I am so grateful that it went wonky while still under warranty.

I can't wait to post my 365 picture from today.  I got soooo lucky with this shot!  So, so lucky!

365 Project: Day 46

Monday, February 14, 2011

365 Project: Day 45

Dodger cutting up chicken for chicken & noodles... it was super yummy
I don't know why it's so blurry... but it's the only one I have from this day

It's Been a Week...

This time last Monday evening, I was taking my much loved laptop to the Geek Squad to get the issue with the aqua green screen fixed. It seems WAYYYYYYY longer than 7 days. :(

I did manage to get to bed at a decent time last night... about 2am or so... so I was awake by 10:30. I used that to my advantage to get some well needed computer time in via the desktop. I did get a bit more online work done. I also played around with a few templates for another idea I have. It will take awhile to get them working right.

When Dodger finally woke up, he told me that a job he had lined up for the last half of this week fell through. The wife said that she went away for the weekend and when she got home she found out that her husband had done the painting. We're not sure why he's being so cheap. He's a proctologist... we suspect he has no problems with bringing home the bacon.

I really hope business picks up again really soon.

Just an FYI if you're reading this. Painters do their inside work in the cold months. You will have a hard time booking the work you want done if you wait till spring to want indoor painting done. Spring is when outdoor stuff starts. So quit procrastinating and call.

I am getting back on the food tracking wagon. The scale read 195 today. My ideal weight is between 115 - 120. Exercise is difficult right now with so little work for Dodger to do and only having an 800 sq ft home. We are very much on top of one another when we are all home. The living room is the only space in the house large enough to exercise in and that's the husband's space when he's home. It has warmed up enough to melt most of the snow and ice on the roads but I don't like my neighborhood enough to walk in it... so that's out. So I wait. :(

Dodger is cooking up the noodles he started making the dough for the other day. I thought we were having the noodles that night but I was mistaken... we had homemade pizza AGAIN! It was the best yet but really, I'm getting tired of pizza.

So it's chicken and noodles tonight for dinner.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Saturday, February 12, 2011

365 Project: Day 43

Day 5 ... it's messing me up

It is actually a little whack that I should count the days since my laptop took a vacation but I suppose this isn't the 1980's, you know. I love my laptop and the way it makes it so simple to stay connected.

I managed to get some desktop time earlier today before the husband got up. I got a little bit of online work done but nothing else. I have still been taking my 365 Project pictures, I just haven't had time to upload them and edit them.

I feel a little off my game... I was just starting to get back in the game before my laptop decided to go green. I have been able to sleep by around 3am, so that's good but the housework has certainly suffered. A bit of my blahs are most certainly being sick of the winter weather, the snow, and the ice. I'm so ready for spring. We are going to get up into the 50s this week. I'm so excited about that. Hopefully all of the ice will melt off. The drive and our road have been a sheet of ice for weeks now. There are finally parts where the pavement shows through.

Right now Dodger is playing with dough again. He saw an Italian cooking show a few days ago and now he wants to try making some homemade noodles. Dancer is heading off to Jim & Jane's with my mom and step-dad in a bit. We've been watching 3rd Rock From the Sun most of the afternoon via Netflix Streaming. The show is so hilarious.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

365 Project: Day 41

Day 2 ... well, well

So here I am, day 2 of being without my laptop and easy access to the world outside of my own. It hurts just a little less today. I didn't have any computer time at all today. I was actually gone most of the day. Dancer had her weekly homeschoolers tap class at the college studio today. Then a bit later she went to the evening tennis lesson to make up for a day that she missed two Fridays ago. Then right after that we met our friend Sarah and her girls at the pottery place to paint some pottery. I didn't end up painting anything because what I had my mind set on painting wasn't available.




I was finally able to sit in the lobby at the dance studio again. They started painting and remodling the place before Christmas and I could tell, through the windows, on Monday evening that the couches and chairs were back. I am so glad to not have to sit out in my truck anymore. Sometimes I'm there for two hours straight while the daughter is in classes and it was becoming pretty annoying to have to have my truck running nearly the whole time lest I freeze my butt off.



So today, since I accidentally left the iTouch at home, I started on my next book club read, 'A Country Year: Living the Questions' by Sue Hubbell. I love this bit that is quoted at the beginning of the book...

... Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Do not ... seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will ... gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. {Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet}

I sent that as a text to Sarah right after I read it because I thought it was so lovely. She didn't 'get it'. Sigh. I 'get it' bright as day. :) I have to remember that Sarah is simple. I love that about her but she doesn't get real deep. She's never had a need to. See, she's like a duck... stuff just rolls off of her. Me, I'm more like a sponge... stuff soaks in, sloshes around, and takes work to wring out. :)

I think tomorrow I will work a little more on my household book. The dishes are also in dire need of being done. No one here likes to do them. We all think they suck. I miss my automatic dishwasher! I get really pissed when I think about how nothing is built to last for any period of time anymore. This whole consumer culture is so wasteful.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day One Without My Access To the World

Sigh. I sit here, again reduced to using the iTouch to connect to the Web. I suppose I am grateful that I still have access. I am for sure grateful that my laptop was still under manufacturers warranty. I had a chance to look at the work order form after I got home from taking it to the Geek Squad last night. It looks like I might be without my computer for a whole month. {{{{screaming silently inside!}}}}

I did get a little desktop computer time when Dodger went over to Josh's house this evening. I used that time to look through all sorts of links about putting together a household journal/binder. I am overwhelmed by the process. What should go in one? Do I make more than one for different things?

I know it seems a silly thing to be overwhelmed by but it's my perfectionism rearing it's ugly head. Perfectionism is a double edged sword. On one hand it drives us to do what we do in the best way possible but on the other hand it can be disabling because it can stifle the creative flow as well as makes us feel like failures if what we do isn't done right the first time. Perfectionism is a pretty big pain in the ass sometimes.

So tonight, I've got the beginnings of a household journal started. I am going to work on updating my new bill pay book this evening. The household journal will have to be a work in progress. I know that if I try to do it all at once, which is my tendency to do, that I will drive myself crazy and just give up on it.

I also have ten pages to get read in the next book club book. I need to read just over 9 pages a day to finish the day before our next meeting. We are reading another one of my choices, 'A Country Year: Living the Questions' by Sue Hubbell.

365 Project: Day 39

Monday, February 7, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

365 Project: Day 37


It's Super Bowl Sunday!  Dodger made chicken wings for dinner... there was honey mustard, honey BBQ, and lemon pepper.  We both thought the lemon pepper kicked ass!  He also made up some smashed potatoes, too.  I bought half of a cherry pie at the store yesterday for our desert today.  The hubby bought me some wine a few days ago... he got me Arbor Mist Peach Chardonnay... yummy.  I don't usually drink but I wanted some for Super Bowl Sunday.  It's been ages since I last drank, do I got a little toasted.  Love that staying home for the game thing.

After the game was over, we watched the season finale of Dexter.  Yes, I'm fully aware of when that actually aired and I have no idea why Dodger decided to wait so dang long to load it up so we could watch it.  What I didn't tell him was that already watched it about a month ago.  I just got tired of waiting.  We're both looking forward to the start of the new season, whenever that may be.

Dancer went to my mom's this evening.  This is a usual occurrence every Friday and Sunday.  I think they were going to watch the game and start working on their projects for the next county fair.  I'm all for getting a head-start.  Dancer is wanting to put some of her photography in for judging this year... maybe I'll do the same.  I haven't yet entered anything in to the county fair.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Getting it Together

So after a small freak out last night... feeling overwhelmed by the big picture of all that I want to accomplish within this current year and realizing that I don't have a good way to keep it all on track and all straight in my head... I woke up with a clearer picture and ready to make it happen.

This afternoon I got to work making it happen by taking the step to getting the family 'command center' in order. I cleaned, decluttered and fixed what needed fixing in order to cross this necessary item off of my list.  This is just one step but it was something that I felt needed to be done first because my family is first on my list.  If the family hub is out of whack, then right off we all feel it.  We are all trained to look at the calendar daily to see what's going on for the day and the upcoming weeks.  Dodger looks there to see what we {meaning Dancer and I} might be doing that day.  Dancer looks there to keep herself up-to-date on her own activities.  It's where we post what plans we have that will possibly take us out of the house.




Next in line to get myself on the right track is to get a 'control journal' put together.  I'm sure parts of it will be similar to what FlyLady has on her website but not exactly the same.  I think the household journal will have those things that seem necessary to running a household.  It will hold the blank shopping check lists, the master price lists, menu planner, etc...

After I have that set-up, then I can focus on my own personal planner.  I need a place to keep all of my ideas, goals, and dreams in order.  Right now they are all bunched up in my head and I need to get them down in their own little sections.  I have online work ideas, off-line work ideas, crafting, sewing, gardening, etc... all in my head and I need a plan of action to make them all happen.  The things I'm currently working on are overwhelming me because I don't have a plan... I need to mark down where I've been, what I'm doing now, and where I want to head with them.

I still need my days to be mine and to have a flow, like they always have, but I at least need to have these things down in front of me so I can see them and track them.  I'm a visual person and I know that seeing these things in a visual form will help me tremendously.

Now if I could only find the right notebook.  I looked at what Kroger had when I went grocery shopping earlier this evening but they didn't have anything I could use or that was ideal.  I'd like something small, with movable paper, and dividers.  I have some old day planners here that might work... it's just that they have tons of holes and I'm not sure I want to take the time to punch a bunch of papers.

p.s. - Dodger did pizza AGAIN tonight.  oy.  tis the reason why I went to the store at 7pm.  I didn't want to go til later but he wanted to play with dough again, so I went.

365 Project: Day 36

a newly cleaned and organized 'command center'

365 Project: Day 35

My favorite book bag ever!  It was a gift from my friend, Sarah, a year or so ago.
I now use it to carry my laptop in.  It's the perfect size for it.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011

365 Project: Day 34

what the Dodger made for dinner... I eat mine without the bread
he puts corn on top... Dancer and I put it on the side

Your Time Is Now

Sacred {video break}


How would I treat myself if I thought I was sacred?
How would I love myself if nothing was wrong?

I'd be in the moment, enjoying what's inside
And sing to the world a glorious song.

How would you treat yourself if you thought you were sacred?
How would you love yourself if nothing was wrong?

You'd be in the moment, enjoying what's inside
And sing to the world a glorious song

You are sacred
You are sacred
You are sacred
You are sacred

How would we treat ourselves if we knew we were sacred?
How would we love ourselves if nothing was wrong?

We'd be in the moment, enjoying what's inside
And sing to the world a glorious song

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening - Robert Frost

image by Rob Burke, cc

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it's queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

by Robert Lee Frost

365 Project: Day 33

The Day, The Snow, and the Shoveling B!tch

I didn't get to sleep until 5am this morning... something is going to have to change there.  I'm sure that even though I'm having trouble getting to sleep, that bringing the iTouch to bed with me is NOT a good idea.  Sure, it gives me time to catch up on my blog reading... which I am sadly behind on.  So, I either need to quit bringing it to bed or I need to have some self-control and not stay up 'til wee hours of the morning on it.  I slept 'til nearly 1:30 this afternoon... so, it's not as if I'm having trouble getting enough sleep.  I would just prefer to get back to a more normal sleep/wake cycle.

The sun was shining today.  Which I was very grateful for since I decided it would be best to go out and shovel the driveway.  I did about 30 minutes by myself before I, not so nicely, asked for help from my husband and my daughter.  The snow was a bitch... not the amount because I've shoveled deeper snow already this season... but because we had the sleet/snow and it was hard and compact.  It did not want to move without extra force and effort on our part.  We were out there nearly 2 hours... and that was with 3 of us shoveling... it's a pretty long driveway, so that doesn't help matters any.  I had to shovel without my glasses on because I kept steaming them up... I could see better without them on than with them.




Dodger and I didn't talk for a bit after we both got inside.  I didn't ask him to help me nicely... which, come one, I was irritated that he never offers to help shovel the drive... this is the first time he's helped all season.  So, he was all bitchy about it while we were out shoveling.  He continued to cook up whatever it was he was cooking and I stayed in my room and tried to get warmed back up.

Later on he gave me a quick cooking lesson, which I tried to sound interested about... on how he boils down the ham shank and all.  I finally figured out that he was making ham and butter beans... which he added a can of lima beans to.  Oh, so yummy.  I already love ham and butter beans and I thought the lima beans gave it a nice little twist.

I then spent the rest of my evening doing stuff online and doing a bit of laundry.  Sometime a little after 10pm I decided that it was time to clean off my messy bed, so that I could change the sheets and fluff the feather bed.  After awhile the feathers tend to flatten and scatter and don't stay up where you need them the most, under your body, and it's been causing my back pain to flare up... so this was necessary to get done tonight since I don't like being in pain.  The activity and the tidying also helps me to feel a little more at peace, too... helps with the seasonal funk.


I decided to do a bit of cleaning in my email inbox and came across this blog post... I thought was an awesome validation to what I've been feeling about the winter season this year... your creativity needs winter-time. enjoy.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The "Blizzard" of Winter 2011

So Sunday night the weather forecast predicted the beginnings of a blizzard coming through by Monday afternoon. We had plans for Monday to go to the glass making factory for a tour and then ballet class on Monday night. Both of those things ended up getting canceled because of the freezing rain that came through on that side of town... we got very little of it over here. We did get some misty light sleet that turned into a very light dusting of snow.




Today we didn't have anywhere we needed to be but I did hear that the college, where Dancer takes dance, had canceled classes.

We did have some pretty high winds today along with a little more snow... still not as much as elsewhere around here. Lot's of people on the other side of town and in the smaller villages around here lost power and had much more snow... probably didn't help that it was so damn windy that it made nearly white-out driving conditions. It took my dad 45 minutes to get home from work, after having to dig out everyone where he works... it's a drive that usually only takes 10 - 15 minutes. Warming stations had been set-up for those without power... most of them by the Red Cross and local fire stations.





It's past 1:30am here now and Dodger just came in and said that it's still snowing. It makes me wonder what time it started up again because it didn't snow all day long. Here's a picture of my porch now...




I wonder what it's going to look like tomorrow when we get up.

The college has canceled classes again tomorrow, so there will be no tap class... I'm totally fine with that.

Let's see, pizza...

I just went back through the pictures that I took in January and there's only one day that I'd like to share extra pictures from and it was from just a few days ago on the 29th. It was Dodger's first successful homemade pizza {4th one in 2 weeks}. He's been on a mission to improve the dough and so he did some more research online and changed a few things in his recipe and Saturday's pizza turned out great. Dancer requested that it be an all meat pizza, which was quite yummy, too. Here are the shots I took of the process...








He and Dancer made another one tonight that had all meat PLUS mushrooms... it was another super yummy pizza, I just didn't get any pictures of it.

365 Project: Day 32


Even though almost everything has come to a halt here, because of the weather, the mailman still came.  I guess there's not much that stops the mail.

We had flurries today but we still didn't get what we were expecting to get, not that I'm complaining.  For some reason our side of town didn't get hit hard.  I have friends on the other side of town that lost power and got dumped on.  Some of the smaller villages and surrounding towns actually closed down roads and opened up emergency shelters for people who had lost power to come and stay warm.

{"Blizzard" of Winter 2011}

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

365 Project: Day 31


The weather man called for freezing rain.  I had friends across town and in neighboring villages who got covered but we only got a light dusting of misty snow.

{"Blizzard" of Winter 2011}

365 Project: Day 30

I think it's time to clean off my bed again.

365 Project: Day 29

The first 'successful' homemade pizza.

365 Project: Day 28

Subscription as a Christmas gift from Sarah.

365 Project: Day 27

You caught me.