haunted {haiku}

jealousy haunts me

madness and insanity

need to be needed

Just a Day

Sarah and I met at the book barn yesterday morning. I ended up buying nearly $100 worth of books...42 books; most of them being $1 a piece. She brought me two more books--Wild at Heart and Captivating by John Eldredge--that she purchased for me. So, obviously I came home with a lot of books yesterday, and now I need to find room for them on my bookshelves.

She treated me to Korean food for lunch. I had bibimbap. Oh wow, it was amazing! So amazing, in fact, that I ended up taking Dodger there for dinner and dessert after we went to the 5p church service. It was our first time back at church in maybe three months or so. Many Saturday evenings, we've had something scheduled to do and have been unable to go. Other Saturdays, we've just been hanging out at home and trying to recuperate from our week.

I'm glad we went. It was a fine time and a good message. We've never been church-goers as a couple. However, since the separation and all that, things have changed for us. We're doing things differently, including establishing some sort-of spiritual guidance and grounding in our lives. Like I told Sarah a few weeks ago, "We spent 30 years of our relationship without God, and look where it got us."

Do you know, the Program of OA led me back to God? My step partner and I were talking about that Saturday when we spoke. She said the same thing happened for her. I don't know "what " God is, and truly, it doesn't matter in order for God to be the Source of strength in my life and recovery.

Miracle in Minneapolis

"Her motion through the air was that gently comic flight common to baby birds and to someone newly abstinent in OA: up and down she went. Would she make it? I wondered. I chose to believe she would." - Seeing the Spiritual Path

I'm a good 4 years into the program, and there are times I still feel like this baby bird...up and down she went. I talked with my sponsor this morning, and got deep into some inner-family work. I have a part of me that spoke up and said, "but we could have done more," as I was sharing what program work I had done over the past week. The thing is, this part of me--who I figure is about 12-years-old--often feels unheard and ignored. She insisted on being heard today, and I listened to understand...which is not what normally happens. She knows we're struggling, and is trying to be helpful by leading me to places she knows work to create ease. Other part(s) typically shut her down because they hear her as being judgy or whatnot. However, my Higher Power was with me today in listening to her intention with no expectation that she change how she communicates her desires. She's only 12, afterall. My sponsor picked up on her desiring my trustworthiness. She wants me to keep my word to myself=us as a collective inner-family. She doesn't like it when she can't trust the rest of us to follow through with what we said we'd do; and we said that we'd journal at least three days a week...working towards a daily practice.

This inner-family of mine is still learning to turn towards each other and listen to understand. I've come to the realization that we'll always be unable to do that without God's guidance and filter through which to see, hear, and understand. I think THIS is the key. When I let God direct me and give me strength, I can be trustworthy to myself and others.

So, it is in this way, that I still find myself being like the baby bird...learning how to fly...learning how to trust and be trustworthy. If I can't trust myself, I can't expect to be able to trust others, because my closest relationship...my foundational relationship...is with myself--which if not supported by my relationship with God, becomes unstable and unmanageable.

What a revelation for me...trusting God leads to being able to trust myself leads to being able to trust others. I had the order all wrong, which is why when I don't put building my relationship with God first, my flight becomes like the baby bird...up and down she went.

white spaces {haiku}

marginalia
writing lingers on the page
treasures left behind

January 25 2023

"We were never meant to face this disease in isolation" - Twelve & Twelve of OA

"I do not need to live in isolation any longer because there are people who understand my disease. I share in the camaraderie of fellow compulsive overeaters." - Voices of Recovery

I have never felt more alone than I did when I was in the throes of my eating disorder. I never felt like I fit in anywhere, even in a group of close friends. Honestly, I still experience that phenomenon from time to time...feeling alone in a group of people. That's a part of the way this disease affects my brain, and it's something I have trained my brain to overcome in a myriad of ways. However, there is nothing like sitting in a space with others who KNOW what my brain is like, because there's is like this, too.

I'm currently in the process of finding a 'home group' in OA. My sponsor suggested that instead of attending a variety of meetings each week, I pick ONE meeting and stick with it for six weeks and see how it lands. It makes sense to invest in one group and its members for a while to see how things grow and how I can connect, rather than be a floater in various groups...which, honestly, allows me to sidestep investing in anyone and avoid getting close to anyone which saves me from possibly being disappointed or hurt by others.

So, I have followed my sponsor's suggestion and chosen a meeting that starts shortly after our weekly call. This keeps me in recovery-focused-mode on a day and time that I'm used to, and it takes up little extra of my time because I'm rarely ever doing anything else of much importance during this time each week. It's one hour extra each week, and part of that time is devoted to journaling, which is a tool of recovery that I've been wanting to implement for quite some time.

The first week attending, I heard someone share that he picks a quote or two from his daily reading(s) and journals about those. That seemed easy enough to implement, and I've been doing so fairly consistently for not quite two weeks now. I've missed a few days, and I'm still happy with the process and my progress.

Simplifying Life

 Initially, I started to post my Recovery Journal posts on another blog, and then thought better of it. There's no good reason why they need to be separated from the rest of my blog posts. So, I moved those posts here earlier today, and then started typing in some old paper journal entries that I found recently--most are from 2005 and 2007. It's very interesting to see the things I was struggling with back then. I'm in such a different place right now

I decided this semester to drop the class I had registered for, and I likely won't be going back. I decided last summer that I was no longer interested in the Social Service Administration concentration, and changed it to Alcohol and Drug, with the goal of getting my CADC. However, after speaking with one of my clinical supervisors at work, I already have what I need to get my CADC without having to spend the extra time and money finishing this second Master's degree.

Dodger is going back to school starting next week, so I'm looking forward to just helping him get through his semesters without a ton of stress. He's starting with just one class, since it's been decades since he's been in the classroom.

I still have a ton going on. This week, I'll be submitting my paperwork to apply to get my PCGC. Once that's accepted, I'll need to study and pass that exam before they'll award me that certification. 

Next is starting to study for my LCPC exam. I'll have all of the clinical supervision and hours I need in another three months. I'd like to test for licensure shortly after that. I also need to start getting that paperwork in order. I still have my application on file from my LPC, and it's all the same except a few updates. So, that's helpful.

I also have to pay money to the state soon to keep my LPC before that expires in March. I have a few more required CEs that I need to complete first.

Somewhere in here, I will also start looking into getting the application for the CADC completed and do whatever's necessary to get the ball rolling on taking that exam.

I'm also heavily into growing my spiritual life. I've started a Big Book BBA workshop, and have been meeting with my step partner weekly. I'm devoting 6 weeks to attending one weekly OA meeting consistently. I've picked one that is on Sunday mornings right after I get finished speaking with my sponsor. I've been doing well reading the daily readings in Voices of Recovery, and I'm in process of creating a habit of journaling. Next is to focus on establishing a pray and meditation time everyday.

Answers Sought, Prayer Delivered

 "Once I got in touch with these feelings, the cravings passed."- Seeking the Spiritual Path

This is true for me. I spent years running from my feelings, pushing them away, punishing them, and in a myriad of ways just escaping from myself and from life. Thank God I don't have to do this anymore. My life has changed all through working the 12 Steps and addressing the spiritual malady mentioned in the Big Book of AA. I no longer binge to escape and restrict to punish. I feel a true connection between all parts of myself...no longer banishing any parts to dark corners inside. I have become aware of my inner world, and when things aren't "at ease." I allow myself the time to get honest with myself, God, and another human being about what's happening in those moments, and I lean into the work of the 12 Steps. My life is so different today--going on three years of abstinence--and I can truly say that I know the way to freedom, and no longer am a slave to my addiction, no matter how it presents itself in my daily life.

Tuesday January 17 2023

 "Perseverance now means working through daily struggles with the hope of resolution and a brighter tomorrow." - Voices of Recovery

"Working through struggles is a part of recovery." - Voices of Recovery

"Trusting a higher power...in God's time, the answers will come." - Voices of Recovery

Persevere... don't miss my miracle!

I heard someone say once that there's no such thing as small miracles, because a miracle, by definition, is something unexpected, extraordinary, and grand. Yet, I see small miracles all around me...in my clients, in my relationships, in my inner world. I'd rather seek the breath of fresh air that is life with a higher power's care and guidance than live through another day that was the Hell in my mind. God is enough for both big and small miracles...little lessons guiding me towards greater peace and joy.

"We will be shaped by the company we keep." - 365 Tao

God, your will, not mine, be done.

Monday January 16 2023

"I can be a living example of a dying example of how the program works" - Voices of Recovery

And wouldn't I rather be a living example and share how this program took me from dying to living...in mind, body, and spirit? Of course!

"If you constantly regard Tao as extraordinary, then it remains unknown and outside yourself--a myth, a fantasy, an unnameable quantity. But once you know it, it is yours and part of your daily life." - 365 Tao

It is through God that I am able to live fully and as an example of how the program works. God working, living, and being with me as a part of my daily life. I want connection to source-God to be as natural as breathing. This is my deepest desire.

"God, as I understand you, I pray to keep my connection with you open and clear from the confusion of daily life. Through my prayers and meditation, I ask especially for freedom from self-will, rationalization, and wishful thinking. I pray for your guidance of correct thought and positive action. Your will, not mine, be done."

Sunday January 15 2023

 "In Step 6, I became willing to let go of whatever stood in the way of my being present to life." - Voices of Recovery

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

As I read that quote, I never really considered that my "defects of character" were standing in the way of being present to life...my life and the lives of those around me. Yet, that is exactly what was happening and what still happens when these defects (defaults--as my sponsor often calls them) take over. Suddenly, I'm taken to the past or future where fantastical stories exist, and I have no presence of mind to deal with and/or enjoy today. The beauty of the present is that I have choices and freedom to be and arrive in the ways I have learned how to be through working the 12 Steps of the program. "I am powerless over fixing myself, but I am not helpless." I can pray Step 6, be willing to be willing, and trust and accept God's timing and plan.

"Today, I choose to practice unconditional self-acceptance while I relish the mystery of change."