God's Way to My Daily Meditation and Prayer

The the past few weeks, as I've been watching and listening for God's orderly direction, both Thomas Merton and two-way prayer have come into view. Also, I keep being reminded of scheduling time with God for prayer and meditation. 

I found Merton through Anne Lamott (who said something about Richard Rohr, who said something about Thomas Merton). I remember reading a book by her ages ago, where she talks about how God kept nipping at her feet, and she finally decided to stop running away from him. Remembrance of that story came to me over the past weeks as I very much relate to how she came to God and how I came back to God. So, once I actually remembered her name, I went looking for more info on her online, and read that she is actively in recovery work herself--she mentioned Richard Rohr significantly meaningful to her recovery. It was through beginning to listen to his book, Breathing Under Water, that I found Thomas Merton, who he mentions near the beginning of the book. 

Then, last Sunday, a  newcomer to the noon BBA emotional sobriety meeting mentioned she'd been listening to Mark H, who mentioned BBA, which is how she found her way to the meeting that day. So, I went searching on YouTube for Mark H, and began listening to his tapes. In the second one I listened to last week, he mentions Thomas Merton. So, in the span of two weeks, Thomas Merton was brought into my view.

Last Saturday, during my weekly time with my BBA step partner, she mentioned two-way prayer as something her sponsor turned her onto, and she was finding it useful. Last Sunday, during my weekly OA meeting, one fellow mentioned two-way prayer during their share. So, in the span of two days, two-way prayer was brought into my view.

Today's OA reading in Seeking the Spiritual Path was about prayer and meditation, of which comes the following, "The discipline of regular prayer and meditation is vital for my daily health." I expanded on why that spoke to me in the previous entry.

"The thing is to rely on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pay for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done." —C.S. Lewis

So, instead of letting another day go by without taking steps towards what is obvious to me as GOD (good orderly direction), I went to my Hoopla app, and found a Merton book available on spiritual direction and meditation, and to the two-way prayer website to get guidance on that, as I begin to spend the time to put daily time with God into practice.

"Discipline is most important, and without it no serious meditation will ever be possible. But it should be one's own discipline, not a routine mechanically imposed from the outside." - Thomas Merton, Spiritual Direction and Meditation

I have my Monday, early morning weekly Bible study fellowship with my BFS Online group. Tomorrow will be my third week. I love it so much already. We've been studying the book of Isaiah, and God's patience, grace, and steadfastness. I have my Sunday morning weekly call with my OA sponsor, weekly OA meeting, and weekly BBA emotional sobriety meeting. I have my Saturday morning weekly call with my BBA step sponsor and my Monday night weekly BBA workshop. Additionally, on most Tuesday evenings after work, I go to my local domestic violence shelter for the support group (that's a story for another time).

So, I have actively built into my life, space for recovery and fellowship work; just nothing for God on a daily basis. I know I'm being called to change that."Spending time with God is the key to our strength and success in all areas of life. Be sure that you never try to work God into your schedule, but always work your schedule around Him." —Joyce Meyer

So, since I'm already getting up early on Monday mornings, continuing that same schedule on a daily basis seems the most logical and led space to hold that vitally important morning meeting. I have this little office space where I can pray and meditate in private and quiet. I can sit on the bench at my desk and look out the window, I can sit on the floor pad and use the bench as a desk (as I typically do), and I can carve out a little tucked away space in the closet under my hanging clothes during times I really want to not be fully noticed since there's not currently a door on the room.

"But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." - Matthew 6:6 ESV

It will be interesting to see the way God uses this time with him. I'll be sure to journal about it here.

Give It Time

"The discipline of regular prayer and meditation is vital for my daily health." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

I have struggled to have a set time with God everyday. Sure, I check in with God throughout the day...sometimes...and always find it to be valuable. Yet, what is it about setting a scheduled time on a daily basis that I balk at? If I close my eyes and listen, I hear that I have developed a belief over the years that God will not show up for me. How odd, because God has continually showed up in my life. I'm surprised by the ways on a regular basis...like with Thomas Merton and Two-way Payer...both of those were put in my path multiple times in the past few weeks. That's no coincidence. That's God. It's not God that's not showing up, it's me that's not showing up...out of fear, maybe. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I'll be guided to do things out of my ability to do. Fear of things that will stretch me. I have a different way now that takes me out of fear and into freedom. It's time for me to step out in faith, and put this important tool to practice.

"When I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:6-8 ESV

A Letter from God

My Dear Child,

You are my child and I love you...forever and always. I want the best for you. I'm asking you to trust me, and let me lead you so that you can overcome any troubles that you encounter in life. I know you are scared, and have been so angry with me about the past. That part of you ... addiction ... helped you cope, and now I know you're yearning for something else. Let me be that for you. I will not fail you. Give me your fear and I will bring you peace. Give me your pain, let me comfort your hurt places. You no longer have to carry your burdens. You were meant to soar like the birds of the sky, and glide like the fish of the sea. Please, my child, I've never left you. I've always been by your side, even in your darkest times. Take my hand. Let me be the Way for you. I see your path clearly. I know what lies ahead. You have nothing to fear. I will light your path. 

Your loving Father, Mother, Universe, and Higher Power, God.

Psalms 1:1

I've decided to read through the Psalms. I've never done this before, and I'm pretty Bible novice. I'm letting myself read through, and giving myself the opportunity to meditate on each verse...letting God speak to me what I need right now...without the expectation of perfection. 

"Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers." 

Psalms 1:1 NLT 

The first thing I notice in this verse is that joys is plural. Those who turn away from bad advice, hanging around with the wrong people, and refrain from making fun of the Truth receive joyS...multiple and multitude joy. 

I lived a lifetime of life without joy, both singular and plural, by doing exactly what this verse advises against. I was desperately sad and full of anger and rage. It was a pitiful existence. This led me to leaving my husband for another man, a decision that nearly cost me my life.

Thankfully, I survived that experience, and I found my way back to God. God has taken my madness and sin, and has reconstructed my life. He has created goodness out of the pain...joyS in so many ways.

I am excited for what God has in store for my life. His restoration and grace has humbled me beyond measure.

Justifiable Anger?

"Today I believe I can change only my own attitudes, my own behaviors, and the situations I create." - Seeking the Spiritual Path 

I have come to believe and know that the only power I'm given by relying on my higher power--God--is the ability to change myself. I spent most of my life wishing and demanding that other people change so that I wouldn't be so unhappy and angry. I became a person that was nearly impossible to please. Who in their right mind would want to be around me? I was judgmental and superior...yet, my life was a huge mess. So, I was also a hypocrite. I was everything I thought myself not to be, and I dove deeper into my disease of addiction in order to escape. 

Only through working the 12 Steps have I actually started to become the person I always claimed to be. I do still fail--I'm human after all--and I am humbled in my humanity; that is what allows me to connect and extend grace to others as they find their way through life, just as I am finding my way, too.

Slow Sunday

It's been a lovely day here. The sun is shining and the windows are open, which the cats love. I think it even neared 50 degrees today. That's quite unusual for weather here in February. I can't say that I mind. The only thing I missed this winter was there was no good snowfall. I like a good snowstorm that drops a bunch of snow...like a winter wonderland. There's something very special about freshly fallen snow. The world sounds different. It's so quiet and serene. It speaks differently, and I love it. It's a whisper saved only for those who find the snow special and beautiful.

Today has been full of recovery work. I spoke with my sponsor this morning. I then went to my weekly OA meeting. I connected with an OA fellow after the meeting. Then I also had the chance to attend a BBA meeting this afternoon. Mixed in there was reading the Give God a Year book, catching up on reading the blogs I enjoy, and piddling around the house.

Dodger helped Dancer most of the morning with putting a new door on their garage, and he snapped a picture of the new cabinets in their kitchen while he was there. Uncle Stacey should be able to come over within the next week or two and help them get the cabinets secured to the wall or whatnot...I'm not really sure what he's coming over to do. I just let her do the upgrades as needed, and she takes money off their monthly rent for what she's spent on materials. Their rent doesn't add to our income...I only charge her what it costs to keep the place with services. There is no mortgage on it anymore. Thing is, I don't really track it. The cost of the services there has likely gone up since they've moved in, but it's whatever. It's just how I help them get on their feet financially and know they live in a halfway-decent neighborhood just a few blocks from us.

I will finish up this day looking over some workbooks for some worksheets to bring to recovery group tomorrow, and maybe finishing up an assessment and treatment plan and notes. I prefer to have some time away from work, and I'm not all that far behind; so, I might just wait until tomorrow to tackle the work stuff later in the day, when I have some open time to do so.

Right now, though, I am going to listen to another BBA recording and do some BBA transcribing in my big book, so that I have a jump on the next assignment and not wait until the last minute to get it done.

Give God a Year

I picked up this book recently--likely at a thrift store--because the title spoke to me. I figured I'd look through it and if it felt doable and spoke to me and what I've been seeking, then I'd give it a try. Basically, I see this as a personal and social experiment...not testing God, per se, but I'm curious...if I give God a year, what will happen? I figure not giving God much of anything for a huge chunk of my life led me into some very dark and scary places, this has got to be better than that. I've already seen God's work in my life in many ways, even when I wasn't following him (I'm just going to use the genderfied pronoun here, because of tradition and all that. I don't really know that God is male, female, or whatnot). I'm curious and excited to see what God might do when I'm actually giving him the reigns and not trying to control everything.

This book is the author's memoir of her 365 day challenge of giving God a year of her life. It includes her process and some guidance on the steps to take in applying her process to our lives.

At this point, I'm convinced to try it. A year will pass anyway, so why not give this a go and see what happens. The author recommends journalling our process and how we're seeing God work in our lives. So, I'm just going to pop those journal entries here along with everything else I journal about my life.

To begin with, she asks us to prayerfully explore the things we want God to do--God's Part--and the things we need to do--My Part--and come up with a list for each. So, here's my list...

God's Part

"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." - Matthew 7:11 NLT

1. to know God better and lean into his direction for my life
2. our entire family to know and serve God
3. reach my weight goal and stay there
4. to be close to and have a healthy relationship with Dancer
5. to have a God-led marriage and friendships
6. vibrant health emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically
7. no debt and financial fitness

My Part

"I discipline by body like and athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." - I Corinthians 9:27 NLT

1. prayer and meditation; quiet time for reading and studying 12-Step literature, doing step-work, Bible study, and journaling
2. yoga everyday
3. start a strength and functional fitness program -- workout cards
4. stay on abstinent food plan and track foods on MyFitnessPal
5. moisturizing face, neck, hands, and heels before bed; brush teeth at least twice every day
6. connect with one other fellow in Program
7. invite myself to participate when wanting to avoid these things and pray on it
8. track spending; make a budget and stick to it; plan purchases

The author reminds us that God's Part is for God. God knows the big-picture, and if I PRAY and OBEY, then God will fulfill his promises.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." - Matthew 6:33 NLT

God will give me everything I need. God knows what I need. God knows me better than I know myself. All I need to do is seek his Kingdom and his Righteousness, and God will provide everything I need.

No Cuddles in the Cupboard

 "...after much earnest praying and reading..." "Surrender gives me hope, and the promise..." - Seeking the Spiritual Path

Surrender has been knocking at my door for awhile now. See, I'm all about using my brain to navigate the world. I have prided myself on being smart, logical, and rational. It's not as if those qualities are bad, they've helped me understand Recovery and what is required of me, it's just that they're missing the other parts of the AA Circle & Triangle...Body and Spirit. Body asks me to find Unity with others...which can happen in various ways. Spirit asks me to be of Service for God to others in the program and out. My heart seeks these two, yet, the vulnerability they require has some parts of me avoiding the work in those areas. I believe with "much earnest praying and reading," I will find my way there. I am, I believe, finally at the point where I'm ready to surrender and seek what God would have me be and do.

Emo Philips & Weird Al at UIS

We got to see Weird Al at UIS tonight. Emo Philips opened for him. Both were great.