A Bad Day

I was obviously having a really bad time of it on the last post. I've found there's a fine line between feeling my feelings and feeling sorry for myself. I've always been a bit of a pessimist... but enough is enough.

It's time to follow my bliss and find joy. Finding joy has been the biggest struggle of my life. I have such a tendency to internalize things... even those things that don't directly affect me. But I had a huge wake up call yesterday... a lady from a few of the yahoo groups I'm involved in lost her daughter early Friday morning from Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It came on very suddenly in January... started with nosebleeds and a pulled tooth that took 6 hours to stop bleeding. This woman lost her husband a few years ago from a brain tumor. This little girl, Hannah, was the same age as my daughter, 9-1/2.

I lost my focus somewhere along the way. Lost my rose colored glasses. Lost my perspective to see the world from the positive and to see others through God's eyes. I've been so focused on the real or perceived limitations that other's have put on me... always feeling that I don't measure up and am always behind.

I was upset when my Dodger put a bump in the road on my ride to unschooling. Yet, here I am, finding a beautiful way to a happy medium. Yeah, my life isn't always pretty... but it's mine to live and to live it fully.

Have you seen that commercial where all the women are out playing like they were kids... where is that place? I want to live there... I came across this saying by Ghandi earlier... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Sometimes it's a lonely way to live but doing the Lord's work and being the change in the world will have its rewards in the end.

Sarah and I took over the women's ministry at our church today. We've made it a ministry for all females from young girls to older women. We're starting small with some fun get together's every month (which all of you locally are SO WELCOME to come). We're having a movie night in March... and watching 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. Popcorn, candy, drinks, and child-care provided. I'll post more details later.

So my pity party is about over and it's time to get to work on my goals and dreams. I can't say that I won't struggle with the selfishness and self-loathing... I know I will. But like I've told my good friend, the Lord must have something really special in place for me to have to deal so internally with all of the cr@p that life flings around.

The only thing left in my life that I wish would change... is my job situation. I wish that I could find the right thing to do from home. The overnight hours work for me and allow me way more free time than before (it allows me to homeschool) but those hours aren't normal and they are hard on the body.

ATCs and Found Art

Ok, so most of my artistic friends probably already know about ATCs but I'm here to share if you don't.

ATCs (Artist Trading Cards) are little cards of artwork that you trade, not sell. Here's a great website explaining a bit more... http://www.atcsforall.com/

So, I'm thinking how fun this would be for both myself and for Dancer. I'm wondering how I could set up our own little trading group among the homeschoolers around here and maybe with all my artsy friends (you know who you all are!)

There's even a movement of Found Art. Art that you leave at places for others to find and take home. If you can find me a website (I haven't looked yet) about them, I'll gladly post it here. I don't think that there's the size rule with Found Art like there is with ATCs.

Homeschooling is awesome! This is the most free I've been in a long time. Getting to know who my daughter is has been awesome. Bet you didn't know that we have a future interior designer or flipper among us... she loves HGTV and has been going nuts in her room moving things around and redecorating. I keep my mouth shut... because it's her room and she can do whatever the heck she wants to in there (she can even paint on the walls if she wants).

So Tired of It

I'm just so tired. So tired of not fitting in.

I don't fit in with regular homeschoolers... my views are a bit more radical. I don't fit in with unschoolers because I'm being forced to use a curriculum with my daughter. I don't fit in with conservative Christians... again I have a more radical view on things and don't impose the Law in my home... we don't spank and I actually try to listen to my daughters POV and involve her in daily decision making. I don't fit in with liberal Christians... I still am more conservative on a lot of issues and believe that being too liberal with the Bible can lead to misinterpretation and taking Biblical text out of context (but then again, the ultra-conservative view does this also. Anyone can warp the Bible to fit their views).

All throughout my life, I've never felt like I fitted in anywhere. Heck, I don't even fit into my own family. It's all so frustrating and I feel so broken down. I keep so many things about myself to myself because I've been so hurt by others when I've let myself be open about who I am and where I am. It's sad because I can see myself keeping even my closest friends at a safe distance. I mean, when you've had one of the best friends you could ever imagine just walk out of your life without explanation (it's been over 4 years since I've spoken with her and she's never given me any explanation for her absence, even though when it first happened I called and left messages asking for it so I could have some sort of closure) you just learn that no one is safe and it's best to guard your heart.

I always feel bad that I'm not the first one to speak in most conversations. And you might as well forget it if you're a stranger... I'm too "shy" for that. I totally see where this lack of fitting in has affected my interaction with others but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to be hurt again. I'm constantly being hurt by the lack of support of my family; I'm certainly not going to open myself up to being hurt by "friends" and strangers.

Jehovah's Witnesses and Michael Jackson

So, I was watching a documentary about M. Jackson last night. It was very interesting. His childhood was really messed up beyond anything I ever knew.

Exposed to sexual abuse buy his brothers and father having sex with groupies in front of him when he was so very little. His father's jealousy of him and his physical abuse. And his mother's beliefs and living under the Law of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Huge inner conflicts that he never addressed and never recovered from. So it turned inward and eventually became deviant and expressed outward toward little boys (allegedly, of course). They even touched on why he's been so self-mutilating, especially with his nose.

I have always wondered just what was up with the Jehovah's Witness group. I now know. They live under the Law. They have so many rules and Laws to live under and if they break them then they are disfellowshiped and believe that God abandons them and they won't go to heaven.

I'm so glad I know the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ and about the gift of salvation. I'm so glad I know about grace and love.