Who am I?

So I finally got to spend some time with friends this weekend... after far too long.  I'll talk about my friend issues some other time.  I've got them and I know it has much to do with getting screwed over by my former BFF, Shawn.

But this post is about what came up during my conversation with Shanna this evening.  She was having a Scentsy Open House, which I always enjoy going to because I get so smell yummy smells but I also gives me a reason to visit... which is one of my most favorite things in the world to do.  There's nothing quite like spending time with someone who's heart you connect with... who you've chosen as extended family.

So anyway, we got talking about her husband's job and how he's not appreciated for the fabulous manager, honest person, and over-all fabulous person that he is.  That then got me talking about my horrid 6 years working for Kohl's... and that I let myself be used for far too long... only quiting after the job was making me physically ill and sending me into a serious depression.  She then mentioned how that all can really affect who you are as a person and you get to the point where you feel like you've lost yourself and who you are or were before it all... that those sort-of similar job situations have affected her that way over the years and she still hasn't quite "found" herself again.

My friends on my Yahoo Group could easily tell you that I've expressed the same things to them over the years.  I lost my creativity that I used to have.  I loved sewing and crafting at one time... even worked for 8-1/2 years in two jobs that kept me in the creative mindset nearly everyday... JoAnn Fabrics and Hobby Lobby.  It was during the 6 years at Kohl's that all of my creativity got sucked out of me.  I still haven't found it again.  I used to have a drive to create, and the HTML behind blogging and the digital art filled that need for awhile, but still, I find myself not quite passionate about it... not quite trusting myself in it anymore.  Like I've lost the assurance that that's what I'm good at... that that's "my thing".

I've also been feeling very useless these days.  Having nearly no drive to do anything.  I don't seem to give a shit about anything lately.  Sure, I've been focusing on the house... keeping Dodger appeased, I guess... but not loving it.  I'm not feeling my purpose in this life.  I can't really remember what I'm good at... what I enjoy... what makes me happy.  I'm wondering what the point of life is.  I see so much focus on being driven to succeed and yet I do not know what that means for me or what success is, really.

I've given up on the money aspect of my other blog... getting rid of the blog altogether.  My heart wasn't in it anymore... and a new law here regarding affiliates and taxes took the wind out of my sails.

I have been used by people far too long.  Always giving and giving of myself and my time and so very rarely getting anything in return.  Not expecting anything but hoping that out of my sharing that they would share, too, and I'm not getting that.  This is why I'm dropping out of helping run the homeschool co-op that I helped start.  It's been just a few of us doing all of the work and the other people not stepping up and doing their part... so, it seems, that in the end the co-op will cease to exist because so many of us are leaving the Board and no one else has stepped up to offer to keep it going.

So here I am... not even really knowing who I am anymore or what I'm good at or good for.  Wondering if I'll ever find out... or get back that drive and passion for something.  Still worrying about money... will anything I do ever be worth anything?  I'm just not sure and it makes me want to cry.