Recent Revelations

So here recently on the home-front, I came to the point of wanting to give up.  It seemed that nothing I did was good enough for Dodger.  I threw my hands up and went running to my online Yahoo Group community... my source of real and trusted online friends.  In a nutshell, I was like... "What am I going to do with him?  I can't take anymore.  How do I stop him from treating me this way?"

And through the questions that were then asked by my friends, I was able to talk through it and find out that the problem was really with me, not my husband.  I was finally able to put into words what I've felt for a long time... the reasons why this homemaker stuff never seemed to fit me... why I fought it all of these years.  Why I was unable to do the bare minimum that my husband was requesting of me so that he felt happy and comfortable in his own home.  It was because I didn't want to become my mother!  Yeah, I always sort-of knew it but I had never spelled it out... never was able to put a finger on just what that meant.

So here it is...

What being a homemaker meant to me {even though I can look at great homemakers like my friend Julie and LOVE what they do and want to be more like them} that you lost yourself and then you split up your family trying to find yourself.  THAT is what my mom did... my whole life I've been trying NOT to be like my mom.

So I told my friend Sarah this last weekend when Dancer and I were over at her place on Saturday... and she was like, "that's really deep."  Yeah, I know.... but more than that it was a HUGE breakthrough!  HUGE!  Know what's not hard anymore?... keeping the house in an ever tidy form.  It's not immaculate... I'm not Wonder Woman... but the floors are swept everyday, the dishes are done, I'm back to using my organizational index card system along with a few other things that keep me focused on things I want to get done.

Things have been more peaceful around here, for sure.  I'm still working on expressing my needs.  I'm still not feeling very nurtured by Dodger.  I'd like him to be more delicate with me... more romantic, flirty, um... I don't quite know the word I'm looking for here.  It just brings to mind that song by Jewel where she says, "Be careful with me.  I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."