So here I am awake with little sleep. I can't sleep...too much crap running through my head. Went to dinner and a movie with Sarah last night. It was a good time. She's going on a date tonight (first in six years) and I am thrilled for her. I'm just wondering why I'm the friend that was the last to know.
I hate being the last-to-know friend. Am I that friend because my excitement doesn't show through the seriousness that is my personality? It just sucks that I'm not first on anyone's list. She only invites me to "family" things now because I got upset one time before after I found out Deria was invited. I wonder, what do these other friends have that I don't have?
I'm sure a lot of this neurosis stems from what Shawn did to me... it's a horrible thing what she did. I still can't believe she was capable of it.
And to top my evening off, Dodger left me hangin' in bed...two days in a row.
So here I am... I can't freaking' sleep. I'm so tired...and I'm angry and hurt over my relationships. I don't know why I continue to invest emotionally in people...it seems so much easier to just shut down. But I know when I shut down that I stop growing...and I don't want to stop that part of my life.
I just wonder, when do I get to be first in someone's thoughts and actions?
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