Why NOT Limits and Rules

There's a good discussion going on on one of the unschooling yahoo groups about limits and rules... here is a wonderful post by Joyce Fetteroll about how arbitrary rules really hinder our children's emotional growth.

In response to "But I have a different take on it, especially for young children. I view them (rules and limits) as a safety box, if you will." Joyce wrote:

You *can* view limits and safety that way. But it won't help you see
how helping kids get what they want -- like not get hit by a car, not
getting shocked by a knife put in an outlet-- is different than
putting a fence around them because of what you fear will happen.

Limits say "I don't trust you. You're not competent enough." For many
kids that's a challenge! They want to test themselves even against
things they wouldn't want to try. When the world is divided between
what you can and can't do, it's natural to want to test yourself on
what others believe you aren't capable of handling. But when the
world is divided between what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy,
there isn't a reason to do the things you don't enjoy.

Life is risky. But we can be there with them to keep them from
imminent death, to help them figure out situations as they arise.
That's how people learn :-)

Principles work a lot better. If the principle is safety and a child
knows mom will help them do what they want, there isn't a reason to
try to sneak to do something risky. When they're younger, of course,
we can't depend on them understanding the consequences of every
choice. Our presence is what's needed then, not rules and limits as a
subsitute for our presence.

I love that response. I see it all around me with kids. I see the light in their eyes slowly fade as parents bind them up with ridiculous rules and regulations. I see them either become robots and follow blindly or rebel and do everything they can to break free (and this is without guidance mind you). I have friends who do this to there own kids and it breaks my heart. I'm probably known as the "bad mommy" but I've always found arbitrary rules ridiculous. Why the double standard people? Why is it ok for you to eat your desert before dinner but not your kids? Why is it ok for you to stay up late to see that movie that you've been dying to see but not your kids? Because you're adults? Fiddlesticks! That's ridiculous and you know it.