So Tired of It

I'm just so tired. So tired of not fitting in.

I don't fit in with regular homeschoolers... my views are a bit more radical. I don't fit in with unschoolers because I'm being forced to use a curriculum with my daughter. I don't fit in with conservative Christians... again I have a more radical view on things and don't impose the Law in my home... we don't spank and I actually try to listen to my daughters POV and involve her in daily decision making. I don't fit in with liberal Christians... I still am more conservative on a lot of issues and believe that being too liberal with the Bible can lead to misinterpretation and taking Biblical text out of context (but then again, the ultra-conservative view does this also. Anyone can warp the Bible to fit their views).

All throughout my life, I've never felt like I fitted in anywhere. Heck, I don't even fit into my own family. It's all so frustrating and I feel so broken down. I keep so many things about myself to myself because I've been so hurt by others when I've let myself be open about who I am and where I am. It's sad because I can see myself keeping even my closest friends at a safe distance. I mean, when you've had one of the best friends you could ever imagine just walk out of your life without explanation (it's been over 4 years since I've spoken with her and she's never given me any explanation for her absence, even though when it first happened I called and left messages asking for it so I could have some sort of closure) you just learn that no one is safe and it's best to guard your heart.

I always feel bad that I'm not the first one to speak in most conversations. And you might as well forget it if you're a stranger... I'm too "shy" for that. I totally see where this lack of fitting in has affected my interaction with others but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to be hurt again. I'm constantly being hurt by the lack of support of my family; I'm certainly not going to open myself up to being hurt by "friends" and strangers.