A Bad Day

I was obviously having a really bad time of it on the last post. I've found there's a fine line between feeling my feelings and feeling sorry for myself. I've always been a bit of a pessimist... but enough is enough.

It's time to follow my bliss and find joy. Finding joy has been the biggest struggle of my life. I have such a tendency to internalize things... even those things that don't directly affect me. But I had a huge wake up call yesterday... a lady from a few of the yahoo groups I'm involved in lost her daughter early Friday morning from Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It came on very suddenly in January... started with nosebleeds and a pulled tooth that took 6 hours to stop bleeding. This woman lost her husband a few years ago from a brain tumor. This little girl, Hannah, was the same age as my daughter, 9-1/2.

I lost my focus somewhere along the way. Lost my rose colored glasses. Lost my perspective to see the world from the positive and to see others through God's eyes. I've been so focused on the real or perceived limitations that other's have put on me... always feeling that I don't measure up and am always behind.

I was upset when my Dodger put a bump in the road on my ride to unschooling. Yet, here I am, finding a beautiful way to a happy medium. Yeah, my life isn't always pretty... but it's mine to live and to live it fully.

Have you seen that commercial where all the women are out playing like they were kids... where is that place? I want to live there... I came across this saying by Ghandi earlier... "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Sometimes it's a lonely way to live but doing the Lord's work and being the change in the world will have its rewards in the end.

Sarah and I took over the women's ministry at our church today. We've made it a ministry for all females from young girls to older women. We're starting small with some fun get together's every month (which all of you locally are SO WELCOME to come). We're having a movie night in March... and watching 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. Popcorn, candy, drinks, and child-care provided. I'll post more details later.

So my pity party is about over and it's time to get to work on my goals and dreams. I can't say that I won't struggle with the selfishness and self-loathing... I know I will. But like I've told my good friend, the Lord must have something really special in place for me to have to deal so internally with all of the cr@p that life flings around.

The only thing left in my life that I wish would change... is my job situation. I wish that I could find the right thing to do from home. The overnight hours work for me and allow me way more free time than before (it allows me to homeschool) but those hours aren't normal and they are hard on the body.