Wow, it's been a crazy week on the team chat. Everyone feeling judged and pushed by Christy's words, especially me with what was said in our emails. She did finally see how she came across with the help of her husband and from Kelley.
Why did her judgements bring that out in me? Though I reacted well until the last email...where that time it was more of a 'how dare you judge me; you don't know me or my history.'
Judgements hurt...Why? Because I'm judged most by the people who should just accept me for who I am. Pain from the attitudes and judgements from my mom and her side of the family. Being them...I would have retreated, binged (most likely), and said nothing.
With Dodger...I would have been screaming at the top of my lungs that 'you don't ever LISTEN to what I say. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I'm not playing any games...Just Listen to Me.'
My anger is safer to let out with Dodgers...or is it? I don't let it out well at all.
I haven't been very pleasant to be around lately. I haven't been binging or abusing food...haven't been eating my triggers. So what do I do with the feelings? What do I do with the anger? What do I do with the scariest one of all, the rage?
Well, it just came to me...I could give it go God. Because he can handle it; I can't right now. I internalize so much. I've always been keyed into emotions that way. Feeling other people's pain hurts me. Yet helping others helps me; it helps me heal.
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