So Tired of It

I'm just so tired. So tired of not fitting in.

I don't fit in with regular homeschoolers... my views are a bit more radical. I don't fit in with unschoolers because I'm being forced to use a curriculum with my daughter. I don't fit in with conservative Christians... again I have a more radical view on things and don't impose the Law in my home... we don't spank and I actually try to listen to my daughters POV and involve her in daily decision making. I don't fit in with liberal Christians... I still am more conservative on a lot of issues and believe that being too liberal with the Bible can lead to misinterpretation and taking Biblical text out of context (but then again, the ultra-conservative view does this also. Anyone can warp the Bible to fit their views).

All throughout my life, I've never felt like I fitted in anywhere. Heck, I don't even fit into my own family. It's all so frustrating and I feel so broken down. I keep so many things about myself to myself because I've been so hurt by others when I've let myself be open about who I am and where I am. It's sad because I can see myself keeping even my closest friends at a safe distance. I mean, when you've had one of the best friends you could ever imagine just walk out of your life without explanation (it's been over 4 years since I've spoken with her and she's never given me any explanation for her absence, even though when it first happened I called and left messages asking for it so I could have some sort of closure) you just learn that no one is safe and it's best to guard your heart.

I always feel bad that I'm not the first one to speak in most conversations. And you might as well forget it if you're a stranger... I'm too "shy" for that. I totally see where this lack of fitting in has affected my interaction with others but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to be hurt again. I'm constantly being hurt by the lack of support of my family; I'm certainly not going to open myself up to being hurt by "friends" and strangers.

Jehovah's Witnesses and Michael Jackson

So, I was watching a documentary about M. Jackson last night. It was very interesting. His childhood was really messed up beyond anything I ever knew.

Exposed to sexual abuse buy his brothers and father having sex with groupies in front of him when he was so very little. His father's jealousy of him and his physical abuse. And his mother's beliefs and living under the Law of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Huge inner conflicts that he never addressed and never recovered from. So it turned inward and eventually became deviant and expressed outward toward little boys (allegedly, of course). They even touched on why he's been so self-mutilating, especially with his nose.

I have always wondered just what was up with the Jehovah's Witness group. I now know. They live under the Law. They have so many rules and Laws to live under and if they break them then they are disfellowshiped and believe that God abandons them and they won't go to heaven.

I'm so glad I know the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ and about the gift of salvation. I'm so glad I know about grace and love.

On Our Way

We are classical homeschoolers on our way to more self-directed unschooling approach. We are not yet complete unschoolers because Dodger is so indoctrinated with "school" as an institution that's he's uncomfortable with the idea right now.

I'm here to show that you can be a Christian and be unschoolers. Better yet, Radical Unschoolers. There is a freedom in the Lord. No more spanking, no more coercion, no more judgments, and negativity. I feel that as a Christian community we need to come out from under the blanket of the Law and start living in the freedom of the Gospel and Grace. We just have too many "rules" for ourselves, too much doctrine that gets in the way of our personal walk with the Lord and being real to the rest of the world. We've hidden behind the Law for so long, pointing fingers and judging, and knowing all the time that we could no more follow the letter of the Law any better than those who we were pointing fingers at.

And then even the Church is divided because of doctrine. It's no wonder we're such a joke to the world. We can't even be at peace with each other within the Church. It's so sad to see this among the people that I need and want to be fellowshipping with.

Blah, Blah, Blogging...

I don't know why it slips my mind to update my blog on a regular basis.

I suppose I really don't have much to say right at this moment.