Circa 1975

Monday, January 30, 2023

haunted {haiku}

jealousy haunts me

madness and insanity

need to be needed

Sunday, January 29, 2023

Sarah and I met at the book barn yesterday morning. I ended up buying nearly $100 worth of books...42 books; most of them being $1 a piece. She brought me two more books--Wild at Heart and Captivating by John Eldredge--that she purchased for me. So, obviously I came home with a lot of books yesterday, and now I need to find room for them on my bookshelves.

She treated me to Korean food for lunch. I had bibimbap. Oh wow, it was amazing! So amazing, in fact, that I ended up taking Dodger there for dinner and dessert after we went to the 5p church service. It was our first time back at church in maybe three months or so. Many Saturday evenings, we've had something scheduled to do and have been unable to go. Other Saturdays, we've just been hanging out at home and trying to recuperate from our week.

I'm glad we went. It was a fine time and a good message. We've never been church-goers as a couple. However, since the separation and all that, things have changed for us. We're doing things differently, including establishing some sort-of spiritual guidance and grounding in our lives. Like I told Sarah a few weeks ago, "We spent 30 years of our relationship without God, and look where it got us."

Do you know, the Program of OA led me back to God? My step partner and I were talking about that Saturday when we spoke. She said the same thing happened for her. I don't know "what " God is, and truly, it doesn't matter in order for God to be the Source of strength in my life and recovery.

Miracle in Minneapolis

"Her motion through the air was that gently comic flight common to baby birds and to someone newly abstinent in OA: up and down she went. Would she make it? I wondered. I chose to believe she would." - Seeing the Spiritual Path

I'm a good 4 years into the program, and there are times I still feel like this baby bird...up and down she went. I talked with my sponsor this morning, and got deep into some inner-family work. I have a part of me that spoke up and said, "but we could have done more," as I was sharing what program work I had done over the past week. The thing is, this part of me--who I figure is about 12-years-old--often feels unheard and ignored. She insisted on being heard today, and I listened to understand...which is not what normally happens. She knows we're struggling, and is trying to be helpful by leading me to places she knows work to create ease. Other part(s) typically shut her down because they hear her as being judgy or whatnot. However, my Higher Power was with me today in listening to her intention with no expectation that she change how she communicates her desires. She's only 12, afterall. My sponsor picked up on her desiring my trustworthiness. She wants me to keep my word to myself=us as a collective inner-family. She doesn't like it when she can't trust the rest of us to follow through with what we said we'd do; and we said that we'd journal at least three days a week...working towards a daily practice.

This inner-family of mine is still learning to turn towards each other and listen to understand. I've come to the realization that we'll always be unable to do that without God's guidance and filter through which to see, hear, and understand. I think THIS is the key. When I let God direct me and give me strength, I can be trustworthy to myself and others.

So, it is in this way, that I still find myself being like the baby bird...learning how to fly...learning how to trust and be trustworthy. If I can't trust myself, I can't expect to be able to trust others, because my closest relationship...my foundational relationship...is with myself--which if not supported by my relationship with God, becomes unstable and unmanageable.

What a revelation for me...trusting God leads to being able to trust myself leads to being able to trust others. I had the order all wrong, which is why when I don't put building my relationship with God first, my flight becomes like the baby bird...up and down she went.