Escape

My escape has become my prison

We came together to escape together

Now we're trying to escape from each other

(I found this snippet of a poem while going through old paper journals. I posted it here for posterity.)

February 4 2007

 My eating is the worst at night, after the day winds down, and I'm alone with my thoughts and alone with my pain. That's when the urge to binge becomes overwhelming.

The worst part is I feel totally alone in life. I really feel like no one understands me at all.

"We cannot think ourselves into good action, but we can act ourselves into good thinking." - OA

"Don't eat, no matter what -- put down the food and pick up the steps." - OA

January 23 2007

 So after Dodger chose not to support me at Christmas...and I got even more upset and hurt than I've ever been with him...he reluctantly apologize but now I basically don't exist.

I try to talk to him and give some form of affection but get next to nothing in return.

Why is my life so painful?

What did I do wrong to deserve such shit in my life?

How do you heal when people keep hurting you at the deepest level?

What comforts the pain if I stop using food for that?

Neglect

Well, I've neglected my blog once again.  I've been so focused on living a healthy lifestyle that I just don't think about updating my blog.

This is actually a good thing, because I'm way more settled into living the unschooling life.  Dodger still struggles with some things but over-all it's good.

So what's my main focus for 2007?  To unclutter all aspects of my life!  To pursue balance!  And find it!  And to get my damn schooling fished up!... I'm SOOOOO behind!  I need to go hyperspeed through some courses and then ask for an extention.  Oh, and I have to write a disertation!  ARGH!  I'd love to get my CNHP and just not have to do the disertation... I'm just not sure that I'll have the money or the time to do it.

Back to my focus on my health.  I've lost 14 lbs since September.  I even lost 4 lbs over the holidays.  I've eliminated sugar from my life and don't eat when I'm emotional.  That's sobriety for me.  For the next 4 weeks starting Monday, Jan. 1st, I'll be doing this workout program:  Get Lean and Sculpted in 4 Weeks Flat  It will be a challenge for me but that's what I'm after.