January 14, 1992

B's memory is beginning to haunt me. Yesterday night, before Dodger came over I was listening to "Broken Arrow" in the dark, it got to me, I started bawling. I feel so much hate for him because he left me. I know I started it all but I didn't expect to have that protective blanket ripped off my body leaving me out in the cold. I'm glad Dodger was there (and still is). I wouldn't be here now if he wasn't there for me to fall on. I'm very confused about how I should be feeling now. B is eating me up inside and I feel it's starting to show through. Dodger notices the littlest things and changes in me. I'm not sure if I want to put on an act for him. I know he doesn't love me the littlest bit so I'm not sure of how I should feel about him. I'm afraid of looking like an idiot if I let him know I'm falling for him (I think he might already know but I won't admit it to him). I will really hate myself (and despise him) if I do him. I don't know how he can hold me like he does and not feel anything. With every kiss he gives me my heart grows colder because of this fact. Nothing about him gives me any clue as to how he feels.

I've just been thinking, one thing that scares me the most is someone telling me that mom, dad, or Kara has died in some sort of accident. I feel my life is of no use to me now, if that ever happened I would not live any longer. My life would be over.

These Nights

these nights are so lonely without you

if only I could be with you

this pain would go away

my mind is filled with thoughts of you

I wish I could be with you

I want to be with you forever

every minute of every hour you are on my mind

I miss you

I'm in pain

tears fall

I promise I will love you forever

we are a powerful force and forever will be

What if

what if you ever left me

what would I do

you say you'll always love me

you say you'll never hurt me

but things happen

you could lose interest in me

you could stop loving me

you could find someone else

what would I do

what if you started to have doubts about us

what would I do

I've learned that all good things

come to an end

I don't want this to be that way

I believe you love me

I'm just afraid you'll turn away

like everyone else

I'm used to being used and abandoned

so I guess I could take it another time

Away

he's taken you away from me

my best friend is gone

we used to be a pair

nothing could tear us apart

we used to have this force when we were together

now I'm just second-hand news to you

I want it like it was before him

we were just fine with just two on our team

but I think you quit and started a new team with him

you're so distant from me now

I want my best friend back

I feel so abandoned

I feel so betrayed

please listen to me

I've never felt so much pain