I've been hesitantly working my way through Step 4 again...a deeper dive this time. Only, wow, I don't want to do this, and my willingness only comes from not wanting to be a slave to addiction again. My perfectionist part wants to do everything perfectly right so that my sponsor will be happy and content with me. How is this behavior any different than what I've done all of my life with everyone else? It's not. People-pleasing to my own destruction. That hurts to write. My chest got tight as I wrote that. Think about what that means...my fear of rejection has caused me to reject myself for so long, in so many ways. Over the years, I've come to accept many parts of myself, and my work has led me to Internal Family Systems and the idea that all parts are welcome. However, I can honestly say that I've not yet accepted all of my parts, especially my Jezebel.
jezebel - an impudent, shameless, or morally unrestrained woman
I hadn't meant to name this part, however, this word -- jezebel -- came out of my mouth during my last counseling session while I was proclaiming that I wasn't one. But--as my sponsor recently challenged me-- what if I am? Fuck! Just the thought makes me cringe. How many times have I condemned those women who lie and cheat...too many...and yet, that's me, at least it's a part of me. It's a part of me that I haven't wanted to claim and have wanted to destroy. Now that I've said that, I'm beginning to feel sorrow in my belly. I don't know if it's my Jezebel feeling pain for finally being acknowledged and validated for what she's experienced as I've tried to destroy her, of if it's another part(s) or Self that's feeling remorse. Maybe both.
